JILLS' SPOT

GRATEFUL JILL

2012-02-09T20:32:00.002+08:00

Okay. This week, is unexpectedly stressful. Yes, it all began last Tuesday when everone in my Psych 135 class wanted me to report since I've been asking people from the class to be part of my fashion show. And TO ADD UP to my stress, Wednesday came when Maam Vinluan (yeah, she's also my life coach and counselor) asked me and my group to finally execute the module we made about Heartbreak and Moving On. So, yesterday, I skipped my meeting and project presentation with Sir Jay Yacat for CSSP-OSA Valentine's Day event (where I am the project head) and instead went down south where I wasted NO time and proceed with my Psych 135 report at 6pm. I finished at 2am where I also did my Psych 180 paper, which I think is my best paper so far coz it's bascially about intimate relationships. :O I feel so stressed that I began to bite my nails again (but still, controlled, at least) and I cannot even pick up my phone and answer texts/calls :( SO Sorry, especially to Maria :l love you babeee.

So, I woke up a bit late (around 8am) and kinda rushed stuff and I forgot to wear earrings, which is all fine with me but still, thank God, arrived in school just right in time. Before heading to class, I got ambushed by Joshua Rosario and asked me for a photo while holding the pubmats of our event, Euphoria. HAHAHA Love you Joshuaaaa :) So it was a pretty smooth start though I feel so much haggard-ish. Almost everyone in my class were like "Jilley, are you ready?" LOL I was kind of excited. It has been a very very busy day - from checking on my report and of course, re-reading it so I can deliver it properly and I had to check on my models from time to time, since I got models from different parts of my social life and some male models backed out. :l SO.. STRESS IT WAS.
When I got to PHAn at 2:30pm, I was so thankful that RM from Pep Squad was already there. Yey! So, when I got to the room, I took out my make up kits and did the makeup of my models. :) GORGEOUS LADIES INTHA HOUSEEE!! So, actually I was not present in the class because I had to do the make up and hair of my models and I had to do final touches for their outfits.
I'm so sorry to Lianne Ramos and Pat Taduran for missing out so much on their reports :(
So.. at around 3:30pm I met Marga and Maria in AS Parking. Since the Upsilon Sigma Phi Fraternity tambayan was there, credits to Marga, I was able to get male models from the frat with matching, "Take your pick" hahahaha Funny thing here is that, I've been telling everyone since i need male models, "I need boys" and they were like "you have a lot" HAHAHAHA LOL my image. LOL
So, it was so great to see a lot of people came for support: like Gen and Haha :) Plus, Ida too :) YEY THANKS!

so... I'll just copy the caption of the album I just wrote a while ago:

Couture Psychology (02.09.12)

A mini-fashion show featuring Secret Paris by Pamela Mejia and a lecture by yours truly on Psychology of Fashion.

I have a LOT of people to thank for making this BIG and POSSIBLE.

First, thank you to my sponsor and good and inspiring and gorgeous friend and teammate in #TeamStrong, PAMELA MEJIA, the owner of Secret Paris.
It was also the first time after quite a while i saw PPL "jampacked" and according to Dr. Tuazon, "fullhouse". :) THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO MY GORGEOUS AND HOT MODELS!
Maria, Thanks so much babe!! love yaaa! You killed it, Mutya!
Margalicious babe AKA Rhianna, as usual and forever, THANKS!
Thanks also to your fellow Ateneans, most especially Iris, though she hates AC girls. :( LOL LOVE YA.
Thank you to the hot footballers, Gelo and Guill. LAYA FC Represent! Thank You Thank You!!!
THANK YOU RM ZANTUA for being the early bird. Pep Squad Represent!! Youre sexy and you know it!!! :)
SPECIAL THANKS TO UPSILON SIGMA PHI FRATERNITY for sending your brods. LONSI REPRESENT! Thank YOU SO SO MUCH! :)
Of course, THANK YOU SO MUCH TO my very beautiful classmates: Anna, Cat, Ingrid, Arielle, Kamae and Claire. YOU KILLED IT! You ruled the runway! :)

THANK YOU SO MUCH, Gen for the water! you're so sweet as ever, you felt my throat raging from pain. :) and, Thank you for covering the fashion show. :)
OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH HAHA for coming. I really love you, you cut your class for this. THANK YOU!
Thank you so much Ayesha for taking photos :)
Thank you so much too, Ida for coming. :)
Thank You Psych 135 classmates for listening and appreciating my fashion show and report. :)
Thank you so so much Dr. Tuazon for the overwhelming appreciation and great remarks that boost my self-esteem (though I was so distracted in some parts of my lecture)
Thank you so much of course, to my MOM for being my best supporter on this. We'll never know, I might do more in the next times to come. :> hmmm. Love you mommy!
Thanks also to Nic, Nick, Klarky, Joanna, Mack, Elisa, Heart, Aly, Cza, Sarah and Tami for the great pep talks. LOVE YOU ALL! THANK YOU! :)

WOAH. What more can I say but THANK YOU EVERYONE. I really do love you all. Thank you for the patience hahaha and appreciation. THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH.

It may have been a really tiring day but the stress, pain and tireness are all worth it.
I hope I was able to help all of you at least, somehow, to acquire some new knowledge on our beloved field of Psychology.

THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL.

XOXO
Jilley

Lesson learned: what you can see in your laptop screen is waaaaay different when in projector (most especially if the projector is really good, like so expensive). What you perceive to be "blurry" might be clear when flashed on screen. :l oooops.

...SO I HAVE NOTHING REALLY MORE TO SAY BUT THANK YOU. :) It was such a great experience, after all the stress and all, all in the name of academics and passion together. :)

There were some parts of my report I blacked out because my throat hurts so bad and that the photos and my segues and also my subtle messages were being taken noticed of. Oh right. Still, I think I delivered it quite well.

I feel so tired as ever. I feel burned out but it's all worth it. I feel happy and satisfied. BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU. This wont be possible without everyone. I LOVE YOU ALL. SO MUCH.

Tomorrow's about Moving On and Heartbreak. EDUC Rm 108 at 2:30pm. See you all!

Good night. LOVE YOU ALL.

full of gratitude,
XOXO
Jills

Because you don't stop

2012-02-06T15:05:00.001+08:00

Here again, formspring questions and my answers. :)

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Q: I saw you made out with Howan Cheng in Amber

HAHAHAHA OMG HOWAN. hahahahaha LOL you're funny. What's up with this fiction? LOL Howan and I are good friends.

Q: CJ should be put on trial.

Because this question has been stuck here for about 2 weeks; I can finally laugh about this. hahahaha Fine, I was so "slow" to not get what this really means right away but yeah, this is funny. hahahahaha LOL

Q: Loyola Meralco Sparks or Kaya? Which side were you on? How was the game, Miss Football?

Hahahahaha OMG Marga help me with this!!! :) LOL The invitation was from Kaya FC but we sat at the Meralco Sparks' side and at the end of the game, we joined Kaya. HAHAHAHA OMG IDK both? :) It was a pretty good game. Congrats Sparks for winning 2-0 :)

Q: Marky's ABS.

OHMYGOOOOOOOD. :O I melted. hahahahaha You watched the show too?

Q: We can't help but talk about you, Miss Jills.

Uh should I be offended or say thanks? hmmm.

Q: We want to see you on our next game!! - Green Archers United

LOL for this. hahahaha Sure, I'll watch your game. :)

Q: I'm a big fan of your brother.

OOOOH Thanks. :) hahaha but can you specify which brother? :)

Q: I saw you and Marga Pineda in Rizal Stadium. So you are both into football now? Who are your boyfriends?

LOOOOL for this. hahahahha Cant help but laugh the hardest!! hahahhaha OMG MARGA ANSWER THIS!! So you think everytime we watch a game in Rizal, we already have a boyfriend from the team? hahahahahaha no wayyy. We were just bored. hahahahaha

Q: You said your hair is short already but it'snot.

Oh. hahaha Well, it's shorter than before and the bangs and layers are shorter. :)

Q: why do you always say you are fat? you are not. you're sexy.

I'm fat :( Cant help but eat.. A LOT. :l

Q: so you and Apa Pangalangan are dating now?

LOL hahahah Raph and I are good friends. hahahaha No, we're not dating. We really are just good friends. :)

Q: What's gonna be your role this coming USC-CSC elections? We are expecting that you will run for a position.

FULL FORCE ALYANSA and BUKLOD CSSP still! :) I never wanted to run for a position, not my thing. :) My role? hmmmm. To help students make wise decisions. :) Kasama ka sa Alyansa. :)

Q: You are a good DJ pala! You should consier that as your next career. :)

HAHAHAHA So you were there when I Dj-ed? hahahaha LOL for that short stint. I wanna learn more but I don't think I'll be a professional Dj. :)

Q: What song makes you smile?

Lately, it's It Girl by Jason Derulo. :)

Q: Masyado kang special kay Aly Borromeo ha.

HAHAHAHAHA Coach eh. hahahaha LOL no, not me, my brother. word.

Q: You probably know Kazu.

Who's that? Sorry! :l

Q: what's the feeling of dating a football player?

I srrsly don't know. hahahaha Go and ask footballers' girls. :)

Q: Close pala kayo ni Andrew Marfori. No wonder why the name Jill is always heard from the basketball team.

Uh, what's the connection? hahahaha LOL Andrew is a good friend of mine and a FORMER fighting maroon basketball player already and I don't think that is true, maybe I know some of them but that doesn't necessarily mean that the name "Jill" can always be heard.

Q: How's the fearless 2012 so far? Are you still fearless?

HAHAHAHA I guess? :)Fearless 2012 has been good lately. I'm still developing the courage to be really fearless.

Q: Everytime I see or hear Kate Middleton, I am always reminded of you Jill. :)

Awww Thanks. :) That is a compliment! :) hahahaha I just wanna know why?

Q: All fairytales end when the Princess and the Prince kiss. What happens after that?

Credits. :)

Q: How many iPhones do you have?

2. :)

Q: I adore you so much Miss Jills. :) You're so conyo but with a jeje side and you get along well with different kinds and types of people. :)

Aww thank you so so much. I love you so much! :) Natawa ko sa "conyo with a jeje side" hahahaha more like a baliw side. hahahahaha maybe because I don't hate people. I do get mad but I don't hold grudges. In this life, we gotta love everyone. Let love rule this earth. :) Thank you once again. :)

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end. :) Had a great time reading positive comments. hihi enough of hate. :) SPREAD LOVE, it's time. :)

xoxo
Jills

Handle with care

2012-02-02T19:15:00.000+08:00

Hell to the ho ho ho for the title. hahaha I don't wanna make it sound controversial or whatever. I don't want attention from anonymous people anymore. hahahaha Lol anyways, I can't help but post something. We had our Psych 135 class earlier and Dr. Tuazon delivered his lecture. He said that usually, the demure, introvert and shy girls were the ones who are more likely to get pregnant or engage in pre-marital sex because THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE BOYS. LOL for that. He also said that "flirt girls" know better how to handle boys. Obviously, all eyes were on me. So, here, let me explain myself now. HAHAHAHA My image in that class is pretty much my opposite because people assume that a person who always party is someone who flirts and plays around. WELL, TOTALLY MY OPPOSITE. believe me, I break stereotypes. I have no first kiss yet, I've never had sex with anyone and I've never been in a relationship yet. Oh well,at least I stay "clean" :) And perception of other people do not really matter because my conscience is clear. It's just that, sometimes, I feel uncomfortable for having all eyes on me everytime "boys", "parties", "sex", "kissing", "athletes", "sports" and "dating", to name some, were being brought up in class.

As of now, I still find it funny. I just hope it'll all just be in the name of fun because I know who I really am. Yeah, call me corny and unbelievable but I take relationships seriously and I am saving my first kiss to the first, and hopefully only guy that I will love for the rest of my life. YES, I DO BELIEVE IN LOVE. :) Just like what the Bangkok eye-reader's last words, "Believe in love, again." :)

Going back, I think I know how to handle boys even if I don't play with them. The problem with me, I think, is that I can't handle my emotions well. That's the problem.Nowadays, there are a lot of casual relationships and not everyone is looking for a serious one, like I do. The problem with sticking to one is that you get stuck at one. It sucks bigtime but you gotta be strong enough to face this fast-changing world. I believe, there will come a time, you're gonna get what you just deserve. And the jerks and the players will also get what they just deserve. :)

I'm actually proud of myself for staying this way despite the fact that I have this kind of lifestyle. Thank God for making me this way, I truly care genuinely. :)

My formspring is being bombed with a lot of questions about this particular guy and specifically what happened last Saturday in Amber. I'm really sorry but I cannot comment more. I told you, I have NO first kiss yet and I AM NOT DATING ANYBODY. I don't know of his issues with his life, so please, spare me, let me out of it. All I want is everyone to stay friends despite of all the challenges, most especially if it has already been tried and tested by time. Let us not ruin friendships and brotherhoods. I'm sorry but I want to be out of this thing because opening up this issue won't do any good to anyone. PEACE AND LOVE THIS 2012. :)

It's 2012 and I want to be FEARLESS but that doesn't mean I will not think anymore and just give in.

FEARLESS in everything but still keeping who I really am. I still break stereotypes. :)

Have a FEARLESS 2012.

XOXO

Jills

Formspring answers

2012-02-01T18:54:00.001+08:00

Yet. again. For everyone's peace and MY PEACE.

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Q: Your boobs are so HUGE. Can I have them?

If you're a girl, yes, you can. If you're a guy, you might be gay.

Q: One team, one goal. You are the goal.

Ugh what is this about?

Q: It's 2012 and it's time for you to tell the truth. Who is your first kiss?

I've always been honest about this. I have NO first kiss yet.

Q: and there you are dating a new footballer. Congrats for moving on!!!

What are you talking about? -.- I am dating NO ONE. -____-

Q: You're so hot and hotter than ever Jill! What are you doing to lose weight?

Uh, Thanks? :) hahaha Lose weight? I did not. I actually gained weight -_____- I can't help but eat.. A LOT. :l

Q: I adore you for walking barefooted at the fort. I thought only cheap people do that.

UGH you saw me? hahahaha OMG I'm sorry I can't just stand the pain of those high heels walking around high street! hahahahah Really? there is the perception of being "cheap" when you do that? oh, it really helps to take your shoes off, your feet will thank you for not letting them hurt.

Q: I saw you in Amber last Saturday with some boys or a familiar boy.... hhhhmmm.

There were a lot of boys, and girls that night. You should've said hi to me.

Q: Are you appearing on Meg magazine this month?

Hahahaha I don't think so.

Q: Do you know anyone from Southville Football team?

yup.

Q: Who is the guy in your heart right now?

Q: What is up with the scarf and blazer that covers your neck? It's so hot and you are wearing them in school for days!

HAHAHAHAHA IT'S COLDDDD!! and I only wore the scarf yesterday, to jazz up my plain white tee and the blazer, just today, IT'S COLD! okay. :)

Q: Jinggoy Valmayor

OOOOH. hahahaha He's really good in football. He plays really well. Hello, azkal. :)

Q: What is your favorite lotion?

I use Bath and Body Works and I love everything and every scent of that brand :) I'm also loving Fergie's Outspoken. :)

Q: You are getting more and more beautiful everyday. Who's your lucky guy?

Uh Thanks :) hahaha you know what, if a girl becomes beautiful or more beautiful, that doesn't automatically mean that she's with a guy or something like that. :)

Q: Saturday plans?

A LOT!!! :) hahahha I'm going to watch Loyola Meralco and Kaya's game at 4 then Make me Sweat Concert at night by the GForce. :) And maybe The fort after. :)

Q: You're sexy and you know it.

You're sexy and YA KNOW EEETTT. :)

Q: It's 2012. are you ready to love and commit?

It's all up to God. He knows the perfect time.. for everything. :)

Q: what if a footballer asks you to be his girlfriend, would you say yes?

It depends. :) If he'll be able to prove me that I'll be his only girl and that he really loves me, cares for me and respects me, WHY NOT. :)

Q: How long should the "figure-things-out" with you before you commit? and what is the reason why do you do that?

It depends. I prefer to "figure things out" first before commitment to see if we really are compatible and to know if a guy is really serious about me, about us.

Q: How are you dealing with a broken heart? What happened in the first place ba?

I think I already said enough and recalling every detail would be a bit harsh for myself. Eventually, you'll realize that the only person who can help you, is you, yourself and time doesn't really heal all wounds. It's what you do with time.

Q: We always see you cry. Sorry jill, he's not gonna come back to you.

AND THAT IS HARSH. :l LOL anyways, whoever you are, I don't think I ever cried in public. Maybe teary, but I never cried in public.. at least lately.

Q: Kerim has a new girlfriend, again. Sorry Jill! :(

Again. HAHAHAHA Don't be sorry, I don't care. Again. :) It's his life, let him live it.

Q: What's the fastest way for a HICKEY to disappear?

It can be searchable in the internet, why are you asking me that? -____- The fastest way? IDK. I just know it'll eventually heal itself and disappear. You can put ice, massage it or warm compress. To cover it, use a green concealer. -- I got these from the internet, for you.

Q: You look like Selena Gomez, Jill! :) :) :) :) :)

Hahaha So I've been told. hahahaha But I don't think so. :)

Q: Where do you usually get a trim? Is it good there? How can you say?

Bench Fix Salon!! :) Solenad 2 branch. :) hihi It's not actually because it has already an established name. I am not actually particular with salons, I am particular with the stylists. You gotta find your stylist who knows your hair very well and what you like or how to style it so you won't get into much trouble. :)

Q: Is it true that you are planning to make your hair shorter? Why, are you broken hearted once again?

HAHAHHA where in the world do you hear these things. Oh well, I was planning to but then I realized how long hair can be of help. hahahha And NO, I am not broken hearted. sareeeh :)

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End. hahahah Obviously, I did not answer ALL of the questions. Cmon, I don't wanna answer 200+ questions. :l Obviously too, I did not answer "intiguing" questions (which are really repetitive) just because I don't want to start an issue that is I think gonna be big if I say something about it. AND.. I did not answer bashing comments posted most especially when they are directed to my friends. You haters, should stop hating. It's 2012, for heaven's sake. What you're doing is sick. :l I still value my privacy and you need not to watch my every move and comment about it. :l I am not a public figure or whatev. :l I'm not even worthy of your time, I swear. :l

To all the positive commenters and other questions, thank you so much for the appreciation. You all make me strong. I love you all, seriously. :)

XOXO

Jills

Dead tired.

2012-01-19T02:26:00.003+08:00

jill loves the drill and will go for the kill so stand still and feel the thrill.

Just finished doing my Psych 180 paper. And I just enjoyed these random rhyming words I played with on twitter. Oh well, I feel dead tired. Adding up to my stress are wild questions and comments on formspring. I wish they'll just let me live my life, in peace.

See you all around.

XOXO,

Jills

Formspring buzzzzz Part 2

2012-01-10T20:57:00.000+08:00

This will be the second time I'll be answering formspring questions in this blog, since SO MANY questions were already there for quite some time now. Again, I will only answer the ones (don't worry, I'll answer majority of them) I think that make sense or can be quite entertaining or just to stop speculations and accusations. The repetitive ones will not be entertained anymore. This will again be a no holds barred post and I'm not planning to conceal any name. I'll post the questions, as they were posted in my formspring and I will answer all of them.

game on.

Q: Oooops girlie, Kerim has a girlfriend already. I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry, sweetie. The hell I care. :)

Q: Your boobs are bigger than Kerim's new girl.

This is so funny. HAHAHAHA LOL. Don't compare. That MIGHT hurt anybody. :)

Q: Kerim came back for you.

LOL. LOL. LOL. Hahahaha He really is coming back for school or whatsoever, you're funny. hahahahaha

Q: What if he asked for a second chance? Will you give him?

Who's the "he"? Depends on who's that "he" first. :)

Q: Franz broke up with his girlfriend before 2011 ends. Is that because of you?

CMON people. HAHAHAHA like HAHAHAHA shitty. hahahahaha almost more than half of the questions in formspring is about this issue. STOP INVOLVING ME ON THIS BREAK UP COZ SRSLY I AM NOT INVOLVED AND SHOULD BE TOTALLY OUT OF THIS. First, as what I've been saying for MANY YEARS ALREADY, Franz and I, what we had was so like 5-6 years ago already and we were too young back then. We already moved on and I guess so should you. Secondly, Franz and I are not really close friends, as respect to his girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend for that matter because we seriously care on what other people are saying and also to avoid confrontations and issues being created by the lamest and sickest people around. Thirdly, the last time Franz and I talked through text was more than 2 months ago already and it was like, "are you going to this blah blah drinking sesh or whatev". Fourthly, I DO NOT LIKE HIM anymore, not even a crush and vice versa. SO PLEASE, spare me, spare him, spare us all. It's their breakup, let them handle it at ex-couples.

Q: How true that you had an abortion?

This is the sickest and the shittest of all the questions here. WTF. I never had my first kiss yet and now it's abortion issue for the nth time. CMON, so lame. Any other shit game? I'm tired of this. seriously, This is sick. P.S. I'm a virgin, ask yourself on how a virgin can have an abortion. You, fools.

Q: How do you know CJ Hall?

Met him in amber few months ago.

Q: You know Krizia Rodriguez? She's been spreading so many rumors about you lately.

I don't know who that person is and I never heard of that name until now. Really? hmmmm. Okay.

Q: You know what, Franz's only girlfriend hates you so much.

Oh really? i don't really care if she hates me or she loves me. I don't know her personally anyway.

Q: Your bangs are rocking gorgeous! You really are the best girl I know. We are your biggest fans. :)

Phew. Something great came out here. hahahaha THANK YOU SO MUCH. :) It was a hairstyle risk but it turned out to be great. Thank you so much, youre all sweet :*

Q: Why did you cut your bangs? What made you decide to have a new hair style? Who did your hair?

HAHAHHA the Jill-tradition after a heart break, HAIRCUT! hahahahaha First, I cut it my own and then I looked like a retard so I scheduled right away an appointment in Bench Fix Salon, with my ever-trusted stylist. So, Thank You Bench Fix Salon, most especially my stylists. :)

Q: Who is Pat Alcantara's first kiss?

ZOMGG. hahahahaha I don't think I have the right to answer this. Or yet the question must be, Did she already lose her first kiss? :> LOOOOOLLLL

Q: I saw Kerim Raies kissing a girl in Amber last January 7. How do you feel now?

Not surprising but I don't get it why you, stalkers, of some sort, have been posting about Kerim here in my formspring. hahahahaha I seriously can't figure out why. now, tell me, WHY. hahahahaha How am I feeling? hmmm, not surprised.

Q: Pierre Lava and you look good together.

Thank You. hahahahah LOL Pierre's a good friend of mine. :) Please do support him and his new gig, starting January 14 in PURE SATURDAYS in Republiq. :)

Q: What will you do if you find out that Franz broke up with his girlfriend because of you and he comes back to you?

HAHAHAH This is impossible so I don't wanna think about it.
A piece of unsolicited advice, GET OVER THIS THANNNNG okay? :) Thank you.

Q: Believe me, the only girl Kerim likes is YOU. You're the only girl he took seriously.

HAHAHAHAHA LOOOOOL So that's already serious? LOOOOOOL hahahahah who are you kidding? hahahahahahaha

Q: What happened to you and Mike Gamboa?

Nothing.

Q: I saw you in Alabang Town Center cinema. What did you watch?

(This question was posted on Monday)
You saw me, why didn't you say hi? I watched Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 with Josh. OMG GOODVIBES GV GV GV :) Watch it too, such a GV movie :)

Q: Kerim also broke up with his girlfriend pala, I think he will come back to you.

HAHAHAHAHA stalkers. LOOOOL. What you're thinking is wrong, I bet. It's Kerim you're talking about here honeyyy. :)

Q: Will you date Enrique Gil?

OF COURSE. cmoooon! :)

Q: I like the lace shorts you wear in school today. Where'd you get it?

Thank you. :) A lot of people like it. hahahah something new, lace, colored cream. :) I got it from Mango. :)

Q: Don't wear vneck shirts, your boobs are popping out.

Thanks for the advice but I love vneck shirts and No fashion police will agree on you on this. I just need to take extra care on how low it goes. hahahaha

Q: Where do you get your nails done? What brand of nail polish do they use there? What's you favorite?

Usually, in Nailaholics. I actually just had my nails done now :) hihi They use different brands there eh, but most of the time, I bring my own, like a while ago, my OPI nail polish, including the limited ed OPI CRACK nail polish in dazzling silver, my favorite so far. :)

Q: Why is your hair so beautiful all of a sudden? whats the secret?

A magic happened. LOL JK. hahahahah I'm loving it more now, hmmm, hair treatments and proper care by yourself and bench fix. :)

Q: You were held-up daw? Thank God you're okay Jill. Things can be replaced, you and your life cannot be.

Yup, January 5. :( It was really traumatic.Thank You so much, you;re so sweet. That's what everyone is saying though I feel bad losing my wallet where cash and cards were all there. :(

Q: i thought you were watching the Azkals and CF Madrid game? I saw your brothers and your cousins, you were not there!

I also thought I would watch it but I wasn't able to. :( First, I was still traumatized of what happened to me few days back and that day, I had not enough sleep, I woke up earlier to watch showtime where UPeepz were and I wasn't feeling well. I got sick that day, I fell asleep after showtime and woke up at around 7pm, still sick. :( Yeah, my brothers and cousins really enjoyed the game.

Q: What's up with you and Aly Borromeo?

HAHAHA Where does this come from? hahah so random.

Q: what can you tell yourself right now?

Jill, move on. Forreal. Move on. Do yourself a favor and move on. AND... try to sleep early.

Q: when are you going back to amber?

Secret lol jk hahahahha maybe this Saturday? not sure. See you!

Q: Kerim just toyed you, you know that.

I know. :)

Q: How old is Kerim Raies?

OMG people, why are yu asking so much about him here? This is not even HIS account. -.- OHHH. He's 16.

Q: I saw your little brother play football, he's really great. He should train for azkals and be part of the team when he grows up.

Thank you. :) I agree with you, he really is great. :) Oh well, he's training sometimes in Nomads these days. IDK, whatever he wants. I'll just be here to support. :)

Q: How old is Josh? Why did he chose football over swimming? Is it because you are dating a footballer?

Josh is 8. That question can only be answered by him but I think he's testing the waters, figuring out what he really likes and he said, he has made a decision already that he'll be sticking to football since he's doing well in the team. To answer your last question, I AM DATING NO ONE so Josh, being a footballer has nothing to do with me dating anybody. K?

Q: How long are you planning to hold on? Move on, Jills.

I srsly dont know until when will I be like this, stupidly holding on to something that doesn't even exist. I hate this feeling. I really wanna move on. I just don't know how.
Q: T
here is a football team drooling over you, do you know that?

I've heard of that already and it's effin funny. hahahaha

Q: I heard there is a DLSU footballer who wanted to figure things out with you but you declined, why?

oh. I thought I was the only onw who knew about this. -.- Oh well, yeah, true. He wanted to figure things out with me, the same time with the guy I figured things out with last November-December 2011. I declined because I made a decision and just chose. I told you, I don't juggle boys. :l I stick to one.

Q: Kerim claims he dated you. Is that true?

If that's what he claims, give it to him, let him. But I highly doubt he'll claim something like this because as far as I know and as far as I am concerned, he doesn't know me anymore. :)

Q: In your entry "Facing my denials" in your blog, the guy you were talking about was Kerim Raies, right?

What do you think?

Q: What do you mean with your "FEARLESS 2012"?

hahahaha Simple, I just wanna be fearless this year. I learned so much last year and I missed a lot of opporunities and experiences because I was full of fear. Now, I want to be fearless. Listen to Taylor Swift's song "Fearless". I want that to be my life song. :)

Q: Were you planning to give Kerim your first kiss?

This is such an awkward question. -.- But you used "were", so okay, I WAS planning BEFORE, long ago but not anymore now.

Q: What did you do in Bangkok?

Ate. Prayed. Loved.
Yoga, meditated, temple visit, shop a little, ate, ate, ate, ate A LOOOOT and cried.

Q: How was Bangkok? tell us about it.

It was an escape from my reality. Totally different setting. I technically was alone all the time but it was great, perfect "me" time, just the way I needed it. I wore no makeup, did not really dress up, very simple and it was a perfect experience, good enough for me to step-by-step, move on and forget about the pain and the hurt I was feeling. The only thing wrong there was I allowed myself to be distracted because of the internet. -.- ooopsie. Well, it was worthwhile though I can say, I have not really moved on.

Q: How was your Christmas? How did you spend it?

I spent Christmas withh all gratitude to our Lord, for all the blessings He's been giving me and my family. I donated my supposedly-shopping money to teh victims of Sendong and when I got back to MNL, I adopted an 11-month old baby girl, Baby Jasmine for 2 days and a night. During that time, I felt like a mother, aside from being called "mommy" by Baby Jasmine, I was hands-on her, took good care of her including stopping her from crying, feeding her and putting her to sleep. It was a great experience and yeah, I also speQnt the holidays with prayers. :)

Q: Doesnt your bangs reach your eyes and distract you?

Sometimes they do that's why I have clips ready to rescue but most of the time, they don't distract me naman. They're FUN. :)

Q: Why do you cry everytime Katy pery's song The One that got away plays?

HAHAHHAHA HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT. hahahahaha Not naman everytime but the song makes me cry. Most especially the line, "I should've told you what you meant to me cause now I pay the price. In another life, I would be your girl ... In another life, I would make you stay, so I don't have to say: you were the one that got away" With those lyrics, I think you can at least know why. :)

Q: why straight bangs? but you look like Anne Curtis Jills :)

Straight bangs.. hmm. inspired by the movie: No Other Woman. :) Specifically the scene towards the ending, when Kara Zalderiaga (played by Anne Curtis) came back from NYC, that's her new look, the new hair, like mine, where she was happy coming back, already moved on. :)

Q: you must be called Princess Jills. Because you are a princess and you deserve the most charming Prince that will love you and will never hurt you, the one who will never make you cry. We're excited for your fairytale, dear Princess!

AWW. :( :) This is the best question/comment posted here. You make me feel so special. Thank you so much. Thank youvery very much. :) I hope so, let us not give up the hope for the fairytale every princess deserves. :)

Hello, Beautiful

2012-01-10T20:22:00.000+08:00

Not that I'm hallucinating or something, but I heard this greeting a lot of times today, mostly from my friends. Yes, repeatedly from Jed and Guill, the footballer.

It was a pretty tiring day for me, actually not pretty, but very tiring.

As everyone told me and I kinda felt it too, I am beautiful and "sexy" (quote, unquote) and that I am blooming. I slept for only 5 hours or less and when I woke up I felt groggy. I know I've been dead for quite some time now. To cut things short, I don't feel like I'm so-called beautiful or sexy. :l But at the end of the day, when everyone showed up with all smiles, I felt it. Except being sexy, LOL, I am fat. :l srsly.

Anyways, today I re-opened my online accounts because I have to, for my Psych 135 report and I kinda like, accidentally or whatever, saw amber photos of last Saturday. K. Need I say more? K. K.

All these time, after everything I did, I haven't moved on completely yet. Too much relapse from acceptance which I think is far from what I claim "acceptance". From leaving my comfort zones, including a so-and-so hairstyle risk and all, I'm still not over this heartache. WTF YUCK AS IN. No matter how hard I tell myself that he's not worth it, I still hold on to this stupid feeling. What the hell is wrong with me? cmon, I wanna know.
This shit has been bugging me for quite some time now and I need this to stop.

I talked to Anna a while ago and I guess she's right when she told me that the only thing for me to move on completely is replace him even just for a rebound, because we'll never know, this rebound might actually be my real prince charming even if we started out wrong? then I added, no matter how wrong the start is, if love really exists between me and my prince charming, destiny will always make things right for us. So true. Very nice of us two, Anna. :) Again, I'm going back to my old saying that "You can never really leave your heart empty" which just means that in order to recover from a heartache completely, you need someone to fill that empty space. In my case, about 90% true.

I arrived in the south at around 7:30pm. My mom was so happy to see me, all smiles and told me I looked beautiful and when I looked in the mirror, I actually cannot recognize myself but I believed everyone now. I really do look beautiful, at least today. hahahaha LOL

My bangs really changed my look, like srsly, I can't even recognize myself. At least, things have already changed now. Before, everytime I got my heart broken, I looked awful and like shit, I'll be gaining so much weight and I turn to be really really ugly like YUCK YUCK YUCK. hahahaha Now, this time, it's different. And I wonder why. I just hope maybe, just maybe, the way I look now doesn't depend on anybody anymore and that I simply just learned to love myself, a little more.

So alright. phew. Here are the things you need to bear with me and support me on: :)

January 14 and 28 - My promotership in Amber, still, before it closes.
JANUARY 22 - I need your prayers. :) +AMDG+
Feb 1-3 - 1st ever CSSP Job Fair. I am part of the marketing here so please do ready your resumes. :)
Feb 25 - UP JMA's Adhoc party - headed by Marian Reyes and OUR BATCH's LAST ADHOC :)
MARCH 2 - PSYCH benefit party at Ariato, Tomas Morato. I'll call this one mine, since I'm part of the Log and Marketing to make this event possible.
tentative - MY BRAND SALE. Yes, mine. hahahah I'll be the project head, but I'm still working on it. This one's for UP MANDALA XII.

My life's kind of complicated, just like my mind. It's in a total mess. Thank you for the love, everyone.

xoxo
Jills

Trauma

2012-01-05T01:49:00.000+08:00

Until now I can't sleep because of a very traumatic experience I had this day. I've been crying and breaking down so much this day, I'm tored but I just can;t help it.

As I have already told a lot of people, this day, my wallet was stolen by an unknown man and that he released a knife and pointed it on me. I seriously thought I was going to die. As they said, good thing, I was not hurt. It was actually when I felt my phone was being taken from my bag and there I shouted at the man to give me back my phone and I found it and took it from his lap then he released a knife, there I started to runaway from him. When a checked my bag, to my surprise, I lost my wallet already. What a startegy he did. I panicked and I just blackedout. I was disoriented. I can't even recall how the man looked like, all I know was that I lost my wallet with more or less 6,000 pesos in cash with ALL my cards there, but my credit cards and atm cards were all deactivated immediately. The sad thing there is that, the cards from my dad were also there. My savings are there. I seriously thought this cannot happen to me coz I've been in and out of the university area for about 4 years now.

I am full of fear now, how ironic when I said that this year shall be all about being fearless. But I thank everyone for showing me they care, love and support me. I seriously thought I was going to die but I did not; God knows best and I think I have not fulfilled my life purpose yet.

What a start this year, I had one of the most traumatic experience in my life, I lost a very important personal stuff but I hope with this loss, I am able to indirectly save a life, make a child happy or feed the needy. I hope too that with this, I was able to help another person's life better, keep a family together or send a child to school. I seriously thought I was going to die but I did not, which just means I have so much more to learn in this life. I'm having a hard time to recover from this very traumatic experience, indeed, this is such a scary and creepy place to live in.

Now, I can say and attest to the infamous movie line, "Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo, maagawan ka." True. Valued possessions are never safe. Nothing is safe as long as there is greed. I really feel bad about this and I seriously dont know how to get over this incident. My psychological and emotional well-being were deeply injured and troubled by this. I need help.

Merry Christmas! ^.^

2011-12-25T01:03:00.000+08:00

I just wanted to say Merry Merry Christmas to everyone. :)

I'm gonna skip the bitter part and sad parts of this life. In honor to the real reason for the season, Jesus Christ. :)

Have a great Christmas one and all. May all our hearts be filled with peace, love and happiness. :) I LOVE YOU ALL. :)

I miss my Dad so much, it's really sad but He's blessed to be with teh birthday celebrant, our Creator. I LOVE YOU DADDY. I miss you...

xoxo
Jills

HELLO NEW HAIR

2011-12-21T18:31:00.002+08:00

Everyone knows, I bet why I cut my hair. THIS IS SUCH A RISKY MOVE. hahaha But yeah, Jill traditions. :)
that's the inspiration, Anne Curtis in No Other Woman, by the time she got back from outside of the country and MOVED ON. Precisely that's it. :)

One step at a time.

xoxo
Jills

Old traditions. New experiences.

2011-12-20T23:29:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to write all about last week, to at least cover the last post I made but I was too lazy to. Now that I woke up for like 2 hours ago, since I fell asleep at around 5 hours ago without me noticing. I was just lying on my bead, hugging pillows and just plain quiet me time. Then I fell asleep, when I woke up I was hungry and felt so much pain, from head to chest. I had a wild workout yday btw.

Last week was so different, despite the fact that there are traditions.

Dec 15 (Thursday) - I wore jeans, as required by Dr. tuazon for Psych 135. I left my glasses at home despite the fact that I have Psych 180 exam. Alright, I arrived relatively early in school and to my not-really surprise, just what I wished for, the exam turned out to be so easy. I actually also enjoyed reading the book so I wasn't really "studying" studying; It wasn't a burden for me. I really love social Psychology. :) After that, Psych 135 in Marikina, where we visited Marikina Public high School and just observed. It was really fun but i feel bad at the same time, because of their condition. It was sad to know the real status of education in the country. It's really awful and I hope different sectors will do something about it. It was great when we were asked to enter a room except hat I refused to talk in front of the whole class, because srsly idk what to say or tell them. I was so confused, so many thing running in my head but still, I managed to smile and stay in the classroom. It was Ayesha and Jed, who were able to talk to the whole class some inspirational messages. It was so fun because the whole class and our class was also able to participate through segues. :) The most strucking part was when Ayesha was discussing about poverty per se, on the daily needs. She then asked "Who among here goes to school, to class without eating?" truthfully, or at least half truth, i raised my hands together with other kids in the class and the my classmates were looking at me, astonished of some sort and eventually laughed at me, saying, "Purposely". Yeah right, I'm kind of aversed to eating most of the time but this aversion never kept me from eating so much that's why I remain so much of a fatty. Anyway, going back, it was fun. I was able to bond with everyone, most especially with Chips Beltran the dancer and Guill, the footballer, they're just simply, UGH, naughty. fine. Naughty kids, we all are. :D After that, we went back to Dr. Tuazon's place coz he just lives nearby. His house was so beautiful, a mansion! :) We were welcomed by his cute little kids and gave us lollipops to start off. It was fun coz we had group games too. My group was so wild and naughty, because everyone is and Chips was in our group. He held the letter "T" and I accidentaly tore that T paper and the whole time he was making green jokes about it. HAHAHA naughty kids, I know. But hella fun, even though we lost the game. After that, dinner was served and I was on the table with Ryce, Vhie and Anna. We had the chance to talk about girl stuff and as the whole class knows, and everyone knows, my heart. It was great to know a lot of people cares for me. I love you all so much. The dinner was so good and I felt bloated after. It was also fun playing with Dr. tuazon's daughter, 3 years old and she really likes me. hahahaha so sweet :) We stayed until around 7pm and went back to UP, where Ryce and I checked out the happenings in Engineering since it was also Eng'g week, for the first and last time, I was able to witness a bit of it and it was really a big event. Congrats UP College of Engineering! :)

Dec 16 (friday) - I started my day off at the Peers-OSA xmas party, the tsrt was pretty boring though we were all trying to make it fun. 11:45 when I decided to get on AS lobby and met Jem, with her friends from Fine Arts for my LAST chance to watch oblation run as an undergrad. All I wanted was to just watch and yeah, as almost everyone knows, it turned out to be memorable. hahahaha Yeah, I was given roses and that one of the runners stopped in front of me and touched my face, pinched my cheek and I was so surprised and everyone too. After that, I was the talk of the town, just for a while. ooops. But it was fun, I was actually figuring out who that runner is. hahaha After the run, I went back to the Peers xmas party, it was great that Venice liked the bag I gave her as an exchange gift :) I met with Marga after, and she was with Paulo, my classmate in SocSci 3 last year, small world, yes. We stayed in Chocolate Kiss until we decided to go to AS parking, where we should be meeting with some Alpha Sigma Fraternity friends. We watched the lantern parade together and it was so fun, again, my last chance. It was great seeing Maam Chei too and then I told her eveyrthing that happened earlier in the oblation run, she's really one of the best person in my life. My eyes opened once again when she told me "See, there are a lot of guys dying and drooling over you, who are more than willing to do things just to catch your attention. So please stop dwelling on someone who just hurt you." So true, there really are a lot of guys around. But yeah, I'm Jill, I stick to one and I really get stuck to one, that's the problem but yeah, I am moving on. :) The lantern parade was so great, I just think last year was better, but still this epic UP tradition is awesome. Super fun that when the College of Human Kinetics or the college of the athletes passed by (take note, I was with Marga) we got the most attention. hahahahaha While Marga is collecting water creatures, I am building my own UAAP team. hahahaha Jill + Marga tandem, need I say more? hahahah go get an experience. :D We both left early that night, wild traffic going down south but yeah, what a day! I told mom everything and she's happy for me. hahhaha

Dec 17 (Saturday) - so many LASTs this year, Amber's last night. The night turned out to be fun. It was so fun that I was able to dance the night away and I didn't care about anything. :) It was such a great experience and I would like to special mention Jaime for that night, he's just so fun to be with,he rocked my night. hahaha Happy Birthday Madge too :) It was a great night. I love the dancing and singing, loosing up and just being free. :) We went to Prive at 3:30am-ish, and I would like to thank Roda, as always and forever. hahahaha He's such a good brother to me. :D It was a hell of a night, no alcohol for me. :) I LOVE IT.

The morning after, my toes hurt. because I have no alcohol in my system. hahaha but all good. I just gotta do footsie pampering to save them :) What a week. What a year. Everything had been so great despite the things I've been through.
Yesterday, I bought myself xmas present after my gym training session, not clothes, not shoes and not bags. I bought a pair of 4 lbs dumbells and they're purple. Cutesome :) hahaha at least I really am serious with healthy lifestyle, on toning my muscles. :) Seriously, I'm growing my ass and hoping my boobs will be smaller, apparently, it's working. hahahaha my mom said so, my ass is bigger now and my boobs, kind of smaller or looking smaller since I'm toning my chest. YEY FOR THE SUCCESS :) At least, I'm loving myself more now and I'm so much feeling tghe love of everyone around me. THANK YOU GOD :)

Fine, I'm in Bangkok and don't ask me about anything. hahahaha this is so spontaneous that I did not even know I was going, I thought I was US-bound. Something new again, I'm here not for shopping or whatever Jill-like stuff. I just slept the whole day (almost) and enjoying the "me" time. Oh press releases and secrets.

Embracing so much spontaneity despite of the old traditions.
New experiences never hurt; Learning is so awesome. :)

I really wanna tell everything here but this is becoming public already. :l I hate it.
I opened my formspring earlier and all I'm getting were intrigues and all other things concerning my too-private life. :( though these are better than hate mails, I can't help but feel bad especially when people only pay attention when there is or there was or there had been someone or something I was involved in. It's sad to know that people give so much fuss most especially after pouring my heart out online. As much as I wanted to move on and forget about the hurt the past has caused me, some people do not allow me to. It's sad but this is the reality I have to deal with.

This holiday season is so much making me feel blue and empty. I MISS MY DAD SO MUCH and all I wanted is to be with him. He's the only man I need. He's the only man I felt so special with. I miss the times he calls me the "queen" when he's mad, and the "princess" when he's not. He introduced me to fairy tales and because of him, I still hope for one. Daddy, wherever you are, I wish you can hug me. I miss you so much. I really miss him. I wanna tell him everything, I wanna ask him of his opinions. He matters so much to me. and eversince he was taken from us, Christmas and New Years were all empty. I was just pretending to be happy all the while, since I've already mastered the art of being one, fake smiles are my best asset and accessory. Now you all know. I'm so broken and as much as I try hard to, it's really hard to pick up my broken pieces coz they're all shattered with everything else.

I have a strong feeling this 2012. Because my faith is strong, I still believe and hope.

+AMDG+

xoxo
Jills

Facing my denials

2011-12-13T20:13:00.000+08:00

Just what I'm expecting, this week will be a very busy one. I'm fully loaded in my schedule this week. So many things to do, so little time. I actually just got home from school. Too much of a hassle because I come from Laguna to school then back to Laguna. Traffic is indeed a hassle. I feel so so tired but this, I have to face. Things like these happen and this is part of this season, Christmas is just around the corner and last week of school, so exams and papers before the year closes. I feel tired and with this stressful feeling, I can't help but think of a lot of things that have been bugging me quite some time now.

The extreme tireness and stress are already showing up in my eyes, yes, crying included. Since I tell everyone I am strong, with full confidence, I say, I am still crying but not as bad as before that I literally cry myself to sleep and when I wake up, I'll cry again, it's all over.

I guess it's the right time to spill my heart and my thoughts BECAUSE I AM READY and I need help, I need this outlet.

THIS POST IS NOT INTENDED TO TRASH TALK OR SAY NEGATIVE THINGS TO ANYBODY.

I seriously don't know how to start but I am trying my best to gather my thoughts and make this somehow less confusing.

Time check: 10:10PM

I am sad because of so many reasons and as much as possible, I want to tell every reason and every detail of the things that happened.
Many would say it's really funny for me to fall hard on a "figure-things-out" relationship built in less than a month, really it is ridiculous but as I examine what happened closely, you'll understand me.
When I first saw this guy, I admit, he was really cute but it was just all on top of my head: thoughts like, "Oh he's cute, wow" and that's all. And then I met him unexpectedly, we got introduced to each other and we chatted for quite a while, yes, he's younger than me but that fact did not hinder me or us for that matter, to be friends. We added each other on facebook, followed each other on twitter, talked quite some time and that's just it. I was so sure I feel NO attraction to him, not even a crush, he's just, cute and I enjoy us being friends. that's just it. As everyone else knows, I have a "crush" or feelings for this other guy for like 9 months at that time. Knowing me, I only have one guy in my heart at a time.
Week after, we saw each other again, we just said hi and that's just it. Just a normal
night, I thought. While I was enjoying the night with my guests and friends, he unexpectedly came up to me and told me things like, "of all the girls here, I'll pick you because I like you" and things like I really like you and stuff. At first, I thought he was just kidding or playing tricks but it turned out, I thought, he was serious about it. Then he began asking if he could kiss me, I told him "my first kiss is for my first boyfriend" and he responded "It will be me, I want to be your first boyfriend and your last". That night, I was thinking, FINALLY. I met my Prince Charming who I've been waiting for, for all of my life. That night we decided that we're gonna figure things out between us and as far as I know, when you figure things out with someone, that is with that someone ONLY, no other party involved, definitely no other guy for me and no other girl for him. It was a great night, I was so thankful somebody like him came into my life and was brave enough to tell me his feelings and most especially, I adore him for his respect to me.
Days went by and as we figure things out, I admit, I was slowly falling but I just can't tell him yet because I want things between us to be really special and if ever I will be telling him I like him back, I want to tell that to him looking in his eyes. and the fact that I told him that I'll be a challenge since we are figuring things out between us, he is also proving himself worthy as my first, like he wanted. More like the courtship stage, that was. There came to a point, we both slept late talking and waking up early the next morning and we just both felt so alive. Those were the days I was thinking "this is it" and I was nothing but thankful. I never felt so special. Figuring things out with him, as days go by, I was little by little adjusting my life in such a way that I can accomodate him, from my time, schedule, space and to the whole of my life. Of course, I wanted to make sure of everything. My fairytale was slowly coming true, I thought. As part of my so-called challenge and tests, based from my experience, wherein guys I met were all, uh, sorry for the word, "jerks", I kept on teasing him to get girls, blah blah and the night on November 26, I guess I reached the threshold when he told me that "If speaking to you, resorts to this, I rather not talk". Okay, so I guess I was being so hard and doing too much already so I said sorry, just like what my friends adviced me. Of course, I wanted to really work things out between us, like the song says, I gotta be out of my mind not to try this. I know I'm very idealistic and what we had became so ideal for me and with all confidence, I had never been sure in my life than what was then. I knew all the while it was a risk, I knew all the while Mae and Pat were totally against this, I took the risk because he once asked me "Are you willing to take the risk for me?" and the answer was clearly YES, the fact that I figured things out with him despite of the people's comments and so many people being against it, I chose to still go on with "us". November 26 when he asked me "do you like me?", I asked the opinions of my guy-friends and they were all saying the same thing, "Play a bit hard to get" and "Don't give definite answers". As much as I wanted to say, "YES I DO LIKE YOU, I REALLY LIKE YOU", I said "We're getting there." which made him happy, I guess. We scheduled that we're gonna meet on November 30 in greenbelt after his training and that night I was planning to tell him if ever he asks me that I like him, since we were to meet to talk about us because as he said, he's just waiting for me and that he's being confused of how he should prove himself. I wanted to make him happy by saying that, all planned for me, I really wanted to tell him how I really feel about him, about us.
November 26, I was just planning to stay at home and take a rest and a break since I've been going out for more than 5 weeks straight or so. He told me he was going out with his girl best friend. All fine with me. He actually wanted to meet me before heading out, just fine with me but I won't be the one to go where he is of course! I told him I was at home in Santa Rosa, oh well, so we didn't meet. HERE IT IS NOW, where it all began. I asked a friend who is going to where he's going that night to be my surveilance, just to tell me what he's doing or whatever he'll be doing. I know this just shows that my trust wasn't enough but can you blame me? At 12:13 am, this friend told me that he was with a girl and I was like, okay, like what he said, he's going with his girl best friend. The next text message I received was "They're neck kissing aww :(" AND THAT RUINED MY WORLD. Suddenly my tears just fell and I felt so numb, sad and all negative feelings. I never felt so stupid, I kept on asking myself how could I be so stupid believing a guy like him can stick to one. Cmon. I felt so stupid and more stupid for crying. Since then, I was crying. I cried myself to sleep until like 2:30am and when I woke up at like 6am, I saw a text message from him sent at around 3am: "Hey where are you?" I was so confused and I did not know what to think anymore. All I know was that, I was hurt. It was so painful. I feel so stupid. Here I go again. It's getting really painful that I don't even wanted to recall the things that happened after this.

I'm sorry I cannot tell what happened after this. All I can say was that everytime I tell these things to anyone or think about this wherever I am, I can't help but cry. Some say he's not worth it,but again, can I control myself? Taking that risk, I conditioned myself to be ready for everything, yes, including pain BUT NOT THAT SOON. It was too soon but still I'm thankful, I've known that side of him that soon so I decided to not invest emotions further, or else I will just be left alone, ending up being more hurt.

I may have told everyone that I've moved on completely but now I'm thinking it's a lie. Yes, maybe I can laugh about it and joke about it but at the end of the day, I feel so much pain.

Now, I know to myself what happened between us is already over and done. So many what if's in my head and so many regrets. Counterfactual thinking is also making me to at least alleviate sadness.

All I think about is that Thank God I did not give him my first kiss. At least, the kiss is still with me, reserved for a very special one who will love me and show me consummate love, the fairytale I've been dreaming of.

Thank you everyone for making me this strong. I'm making myself even more beautiful NOT FOR ANYBODY ELSE BUT FOR ME.

Eventually I know I'll be okay, this isn't my first heartbreak after all. I keep on pretending these hurtful things never happen but these painful memories kill me everytime. It's so painful. But still, I am grateful everytime I remember all the good things we had.

Another lesson learned and I am still learning as I get through this.
I still believe in fairytales and I won't give up as long as I live.
I deserve a fairytale, after all.

Finally my burden is kind of lessen. Thank God I have this outlet.

I'll be completely recovered, eventually.

THANK YOU, ALL.

xoxo
Jills

WHAT-A-DAY

2011-12-09T23:31:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was quite a lazy day for me. I only had one class, Psych 180 which is 11:30-1:00 pm but still I arrived late coming all the way from Santa Rosa. Such a hassle but that's just how life goes. I just really need to learn now how to wake up early and for heaven's sake, move faster. It was really a lazy day that after class, I was half hoping anybody will come and kidnap me, apparently, all's busy and I decided to just have my "me" time and while dating myself and reflecting about life, things just got boring and decided to just hit my Manila King Bed and sleep -- for like 3 hours. :l

ENOUGH OF YESTERDAY.

I slept for like 4 hours only, given that I have an early morning class at 8:30am, which is FILM 100. I woke up feeling groggy and yeah I admit, I was feeling a bit cheerful for not having dinner last night and deciding also to skip breakfast. eventually ending up on skipping lunch too. :) yeah right. Anyways, FILM 100 at the film center. I hate this, I came to class late. Blame the rain and my slow motion. It was a pretty good start, though it did not really capture my interest at first. All about Avant-Garde and surprisingly, as what Prof Dalena admitted too, she bombarded the class with WILD films: actual giving birth process, couples kissing like wild kissing styles and finally a film called "Blow Job". I WAS SHOCKED AND MY MIND WAS ALL MESSED UP. With the effed up weather and all, right after the class I was the first one to leave the room and rushed to the car with Chelsea and when Chelsea decided to get lunch, I decided not to go with her since it's raining so hard and then I remembered I was supposed to meet Maria at 11:40 in AS so I gotta text her. There, I cannot find my phone anymore so I got off the car and ran back to the film center hoping it is still there. On my way to the film ctr from the parking lot in front of CMC, I ran into my classmate then I asked her "Did you happen to notice an iPhone on my arm rest?" and she was like, "Yung pink, yeah. It's yours nga yata." So I ran back to the basement and to my surprise and shock, Prof. Sari was there fixing her stuff and my arm rest was empty! I was trembling, shocked and crying all at the same time and Professor Sari Dalena was just so nice and kind to lend me her phone to call my number, apparently my phone just kept on ringing and the next calls I made, the phone cannot be reached already. I posted on facebook and twitter what happened and I was just so happy to know that there are a lot of people who really tried to call and text my phone. :) THANK YOU EVERYONE.

To cut this short, Erika found my phone and kept it til I got it from her this late afternoon. :)

I bumped into Aly and Guill, the southern kids as they were about to go home and I was headed to class. I love them both, I feel so much support from them, in what I am going through or gone through? :)

EdCo 102 class, the class I was looking forward since forever at 2:30-4:00 pm. It was fun doing this Maam Vinluan's style of the so-called "White Elephant" it was fun; it was like an exchange-gift-ish which I totally forgot about so I just used my resourcefulness and picked out random stuff from my bag, there I found discounted passes in comedy bars: Laffline and Punchline and also MetroBar, I decided to just gave them away for the activity. The activity was precisely about "letting go" of something you have. :) The highlight of the class for me was when Maam Vinluan whispered to me, all genuinely: "Have a happy Christmas, Jilley. Be happy please." I was so touched and I hope so Maam. :)

I ran into my blockmate Leah Sasing today and it was so great chatting with her after quite a long while. :)) We realized how much we are the same in so many ways. Like NO BOYFRIEND SINCE BIRTH and NO FIRST KISS YET. Also, OBSESSED with WORKING OUT now. :) We're also on the process of Letting Go and Getting Over. :) It was also heaps of fun to finally see my beloved Maria after a very loooong time (yes honey three weeks is a LOOOOOONG TIME!) then she kidnapped me, brought me to her house and gave me pop tarts :) aww. It was also fun seeing Gen tonight! :)

It was a hassle free drive going down south tonight, passed by ATC and some other places in Alabang. :)

and finally, hot bath to wrap up a one-of-a-kind-day. :)

It was great talking to Maria again, she really is my conscience and she made me realize my mistakes and how I actually "pushed" someone away from my life and now I am full of regrets but still, he's an ass. :) HAHAHA there will come a day, tears will all go away. :) Thanks love, LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH.

It was a hell of a day. I am a survivor.

Can't say THANK YOU enough and I LOVE YOU ALL.

xoxo

Jills

Never been this good.

2011-12-05T09:01:00.000+08:00

Now Playing: We Found Love - Rihanna

I never knew HEART BREAK can never be this good, like what I'm feeling right now! I mean, yeah, I admit I got my heartbroken but I'm all good. It wasn't that easy for me to recover but I did, because of everyone who truly cares and loves me. :)

This was the text message I sent to everyone whom I think have helped me to recover: "Some so called therapies really work. Totally recovered now. No bitterness, no regrets. All's forgiven, I smile when I look back. Just another lesson learned. THANK YOU SO MUCH." All I said in the text message is true, all true. I did everything to let go of the anger and bitterness and I guess I'm ready now to face the world, even without a perfect heart.

I've been learning a lot of life lessons and I am so thankful for everything. I may have been hurt but at least, I now know what to do. I guess I'm wiser now. :)

Now Playing: Nolita Fairytale - Vanessa Carlton

I'm not saying that I also just toyed him, OF COURSE NOT. I never did that. I only show my interest to the guys whom I know I like and I'm willing to know more of. What i felt for was real, I just don't know if he did too. Well, I did everything I can and should do.

Now Playing: Dynamite - Taio Cruz

We all deserve someone who will treat us right and will accept us whoever we are, with no BUTs. Again, we need not to look for love because love is on its way to find us. :)

I may not be in love but I am full of love from God and everyone who has always been there for me.

THANK YOU. :)

..and to the guy whom I recently figured -things-out with, I already forgave him for so much hurt he had caused me. I adore him for being such a sweet son most especially to his mom and I hope that he'll be happy. Have a great time with your mom and the whole family this Christmas and new year. I wish you all the best. Have fun in Seychelles. :)

THANK YOU EVERYONE.

God is just so good to me. :)

xoxo

Jills

No holds barred

2011-12-04T00:05:00.000+08:00

I've been kind of M.I.A. in formspring recently, just because I was actually not in the mood for intrigues or whatever you may call it. Until now I can't get it, why in the world people give a shit in my life or whatever is happening or happened in my life. I, myself, don't find it entertaining, at all. So for the benefit of these askers or whoever is interested, here, I will answer SOME of the questions in my formspring, so just read on.

(disclaimer: I encrypted the NAMES in the questions, just to take care of those people's identity and privacy and the questions ARE IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

Q: What do you mean by your "figuring-things-out"? Is that with a guy?

I remembered I tweeted about this and I will be honest, yes, this WAS with a guy. Figuring things out, as I understand and use it, is taken literally like figuring things out between me and this guy I will not name. Figuring things out, in all aspects like we're figuring things out if we really like each other, if we really are sure about this thing, and so on.

Q: I heard you are dating a member of the Azkals, may I know who?

Okay, you heard, from who? I am dating NO ONE at the moment so I think you heard wrong.

Q: Why is your name associated with "football" recently?

Alright since I said this is a no hold barred post, I am thinking because I recently met a group of guys who are footballers and one of them happened to like me and I kind of, or fine, liked him too.

Q: How do you feel when you are being branded as a cougar?

I feel awful about it because I am not a cougar. For heaven's sake, I am NOT.

Q: What's up with the athletes? Why are you so attracted to them?

There really is something with athletes that is attractive. I admit, I really am attracted to athletes. I like sporty guys.

Q: You lost so much weight, what did you do? Did you take drugs?

I never tried any illegal drug and I am not planning to because it's against my principles. Yeah I realized that too, maybe I did not really lose weight, I just got skinnier and toner muscles -- all because of discipline and control, lately I've been really obsessed with the healthy lifestyle and regular gym, circuit training and badminton. Feel good!

Q: Girl, YOUR ASS IS SO SEXY!

Oh well Thank You. :) That is actually one reason why I go to the gym. hahahaha thanks :)

Q: I saw you in Amber one night kissing a cute and hot guy. Is he your boyfriend?

If you are talking about the night of November 19, Okay, let me be clear and honest about this, WE DID NOT KISS. We were just so close to each other and we were just talking that night. WE DID NOT KISS, seriously so I still have NO first kiss yet. He's not my boyfriend.

Q: Are you dating *****? Good catch girl, he's a good football player!

Nope. Well, I also believe he is really good in football.

Q: your tweets sound so broken and emotional, what happened?

I was actually planning to do a post about this when I'm ready but yeah, I have to answer this. There is this guy I figured things out with but there really are things and circumstances that made us both realize that things are not gonna work out between us. I don't want to say anything negative about him but during our "figuring-things-out", he already kissed another girl so that opened my eyes and decided to not go on with that.

Q: Bakit ang lungkot lungkot mo? sana maging okay ka na pls...

Thank you :) Yeah, I'm recovering, somehow. I appreciate your concern, so much. :) THANK YOU! :) I think I just answered why I'm sad, that's precisely it.

Q: I saw you in Hyundai cup in greenfield and you were with a guy, is he your boyfriend or soon-to-be boyfriend?

I will not deny that I was in greenfield during hyundai cup and I was talking to a bunch of guys but if you are talking about this particular guy, HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND and I guess also NOT MY SOON TO BE BOYFRIEND.

Q: How is figuring-things-out with the baby azkal?

I think I know who you are. Oh well, we already figured things out, IT'S OVER, WE'RE DONE. :) simple.

Q: Why do you keep on attracting guys? I'm jealous. :(

Waaaaiiit, are you a boy or a girl? HMMM. i don't think I attract guys. cmon. I don't!

Q: I can see you right now at the Azkals vs LA Galaxy game!!!! youre so hot jill!

This sounds creepy but yeah, hope you enjoyed the game, like I did. Thanks for the compliment :)

Q: Gano kasarap ang abs ng azkals?

OMG how will I know? :( But they're nice to look at :)

Q: Why do you love guys' abs?

ABS = my weakness. Abs are the visual proofs of hardwork and determination of a guy, for me.

Q: I saw you photo from Amber's official page with a guy and you are holding his abs!!! How was the feeling? yummy ba? He's hot Jill, who is he?

Isn't he tagged? Maybe not. Feeling? OMG surprised?! hahaha I was just asked by my friends to raise his shirt for his abs to be taken a photo of. hahaha srsly I did not even look at it! HAHAHA He's a friend, I met few weeks ago.

Q: sabi na nga ba may dine-date ka na azkal eh, nanonood ka ng live ng game nila. Angel Locsin the second. hahahaha!

AGAIN I AM NOT DATING ANYONE, I AM NOT DATING AN AZKAL, how I wish. :l In fairness, natawa ko sa Angel Locsin the second. hahahaha OMGG I love the YHs! :)

Q: broken hearted ka na naman. what's new.

OMGGG. :'( sorry naman.

Q: ang ganda ng aura mo sa MS1 kanina! :)

...as if I did not cry at all. hahahaha somebody told me the same thing too and now I believe it na. hahaha thank you :) xxx

time check: 12:42 AM and I think I answered enough already to satisfy people's burning curiosity. At least I'm honest and I'm open about everything. :)

It had been a rough week but thank God I survived, all because of the LOVE of everyone around me. :) I would like to thank especially Maam Chei Billedo, the best psychologist I know; Maam Lorelie Vinluan, the best counselor I know and the best girl in my life constantly, Alyssa Valoria for making my eyes open. :) Thanks also to Mack, Elisa, Benson, Anna, Lianne, Gelo, Guill, Cat, Pau, Mae, Pat and everyone else for making me feel better, easing the pain of this broken heart :)

THANKS MOM for today. :) We went shopping and with full confidence, I say, SHOPPING IS INDEED THERAPEUTIC. :)

...just another lesson learned. at least I'm growing up, wiser and better. So still, I am thankful. :)

xoxo,

Jills

Sino mas hot, DJ o emcee?

2011-09-26T14:53:00.001+08:00

Sino nga kaya?

Keep it interesting. <3

Spontaneity

2011-09-21T20:58:00.002+08:00

I'm so much in love with it, seriously. I've been very spontaneous and I'm totally loving it. Most especially last night. Fine, this entry would just be all about my spontaneous half day through night through early morn.

I left home for school and left all my paraphernalias (hair irons, heels, wedges, blah) with a thought like "I won't go out tonight". It all started at past 2pm, when I surprisingly got a text from a friend I've known for almost half a year now, he's a good friend of mine, saying, "jilley Dillingers later! :)" It was pretty surprising because it had been quite a long while since the last time he invited me there and more surprising because I was there two weeks ago. Fine, he invited me for tambay because they need a a crowd, people. Reading the subtexts, "Come here and bring your friends because we need a good crowd tonight" Okay, fine, I am such a good friend to say yes and did a text brigade to almost everyone in my contacts to come and join me tonight there. It was pretty amazing sending invites because everyone seemed to be so interested, I love it. There it was, Mack confirmed to me coz I made kulit to her to come since it had been quite sometime since we met and saw each other - yeah, remember the spontaneous night in eastwood last May. Things became pretty exciting plus the promise of this friend of mine to bring his boys, in the hood. :) Okay, I was excited but darn it, I was worried what shall i wear so I ended up wearing my "school outfit" yeah, just tank from H&M Divided, short shorts, cardigan and my super loved sneakers. Voila I am going to Dillingers! I'm such a girl scout I know. Anyways, the night started well because Jem and Aly came with me but I cant get any excited with the boys, hell yeah but I am not boy crazy. I am just enjoying cute faces. :) Fine, it was a pretty unexpected night for me and unexpected happenings happened, well all fine, really all fine but I guess I should never ever expect again because I always expect the best and perfect things which are far from happening.

Hello again to my good friend, making gago of everything as usual but yeah he makes me so laugh and happy, I admit. I really love hanging out with him but I guess I need to know him more because I don't know, I am just thinking that we really don't know each other yet that much though we make gago each other so much. There were issues when I got there with some of the UA&P kids and the bouncers but all settled, again thanks to the walking VIP. It was a chill night and I cant look straight to this guy since I met him almost 4 months ago because darn it, since that time we met I just cant get him off my mind for quite some time then BUT THAT WAS THEN. apparently I am writing this entry because basically, same thing happened it's just that, he's REALLY single now. Fine, DILLEMMA. This dillemma bugs me so much because he might be single but my friend, who is a close friend of his, likes him too though she had been telling me since last night "Go get him, he's all yours" but dude, she was crying last night and she even told me the things they talked about as we wait for our table in dillingers. Fine, dillemma. It's really hard to handle uber-malandi guys because you cant help but fall for them! Oh cmon guys, stop it okay? Yeah, because I am a good friend, I told her "I am not anymore interested in him, lets stop this issue now. Okay enough." --- I am thinking twice about my statements but there is nothing I can do anymore but just stand by it, enough of him though I cant get him off my mind. Yeah maybe because he's just simply cute, his smile is adorable and that's all. Yuck. :l to the other dillemma, he has a girlfriend but he's malandi and I know it will be all wrong if I will expect something to happen between us. Dude fuck all the third parties and I dont wanna be one, yuck ha, cheap. So I guess, I just gotta remain in my spot - the little sister -ish. whatever. Okay My lovelife is a mess or shall I ask, do I even have one? That, I don't know and I should not be interested. There was never a right guy for me. Almost everyone I liked were just not good for me or vice versa. I dont know, maybe I am cursed or something or yet, I can't fight the feeling of being insecure and being frightened. I said this already but the thought of me being with a guy or in a relationship, it scares me and I really do not know why. Maybe it's not yet my time, but I am curious when will it come to me and when will it occur to me. Not that I am excited or something to give away my lipginity (virgin lips) but because I think the feeling is great. Okay, I am doing speculations here and I sound like a dumbass utopian. After all, I am okay. I think I am okay with this. There are just times that I cant help but think about it and feel something. Definitely I am excited for that day but at the same time I am fucken afraid because I dont think I know myself well enough to accomodate another person to know so much more about.

I wanna know what love is, since I already know what hate is.

Let me just be me, I am grown up now, remember?

Thank God this blog is so private and not connected to any of my public accounts. :)

Since I cannot anymore be that active on twitter, I might just bomb this blog up.

I embrace spontaneity. Maybe love too, shall be spontaneous.

xoxo,

Jills

How Am I

2011-09-11T23:33:00.000+08:00

Now Playing: Yellow - Coldplay

I can't really think a good title but I guess I had to just stop once in a while and ask that question to myself. It had been such a long while since I updated this blog and some might think that this blog won't be active anymore since 4 months don't seem to be like an occassional R&R. I really don't know what to write about or what to tell. I just wanna put my thoughts into writing since I've been ignoring things that has something to do with my life records, like my planner. It has been empty for quite a while now and it gets really frustrating when I try to recall things like my expenses and the outfit I wore on a specific date. I'm such a huge fat lazy ass, i know.

Today had been that almost "ideal" for me, in such a way that I wanna have this lifestyle except for some activities I did. Okay, I slept late, like 2am because I got carried away with Gossip Girl season 4 that I watched it from episode 1. I was just supposed to just look at their outfits but I ended up watching the entire thing. I did not finish the whole of season 4 since I had to force myself to sleep.

Now playing: Teenage dream

Last night was hella fun though I'm fucken tired. Saturday doesn't seem to be like the usual Saturdays people have. As you all know, I have class, Psych 160 which is BioPsych and I guess it's fun though MY REPUTATION IN THE CLASS IS REALLY REALLY WILD. Like they assume that I am such a one whole breed of a brat bitch, that I am a hell of a party girl and I am not a virgin. WHICH IS EXACTLY MY OPPOSITE. I am not lying when I said that I never kissed anyone in my entire life and for heaven's sake, I never had sex with anyone. Fine, I AM A VIRGIN. AND I'M PROUD OF IT. I just can't get why people have this stereotype such as that. Yes, I admit I love parties, I love going to clubs, sports bars and everything just because I love the music and the people. The alcohol is just a "bonus" on the side but I really don't like it. I love being with people and I love meeting new people. I am beginnning to think now that I am the living proof to break the stereotypes of your so-called "party girl". YES I AM SERIOUS about all these things. I love the music, people and everything about parties. And yeah, I can attest that YOU REALLY CAN FIND TRUE FRIENDS IN PARTIES. :) Because there are people whom I consider my friends, I met in parties. I won't drop names but definitely, they are real and genuine friends. :)

Now Playing: Party Rock Anthem

Okay going back, I had straight class 9-4pm and I think I'm starting to get used to it. It wasn't that bad though my reputation is really messed up in that class. thank God I have friends who knows a lot about me, and that they just use those labels and associations for fun, which for me is just okay. I love the people for being open-minded enough and for not being judgiemons. :)

Now Playing: Slow Dancing in a burning room

Okay, from UP Diliman Quezon City, I had to go to San Pablo City where the Alcantara clan is for a family get together and despedida of Daddy Boy, Mommy Mel, Jayjay and Baste. I arrived there at around 7:30pm where my cousins, uncles and almost everyone were already drunk. :l Oh I hate those scenario that I had to do beso with drunk people.

Now playing: give me everything (tonight)

Yeah, I wasn't really prepared for the night. Fine, I look like a student and you all know how I look like in school :p Anyways, it was great seeing everyone though not all of them were present. It was nice to see Sancho, Ate Jelo's son, 6 months old. He's just so adorable. :) I just carried him the whole night and yeah, as usual being with the Alcantara clan, they have these jokes or whatever you may call those like "Baby June, gusto mo nyan (the baby)? Aba, gawa ng sayo. Masarap yun" HAHAHA they're just so funny but definitely not too soon. :) And as expected, they tell me how much I gained weight and that my hair's a huge mess. I really am in the alcantara territory - I need to be perfect physically.

Now playing: Little Bad girl

We left at around 10:30pm and I guess I just slept half the trip, with my iPhone music on beside me. Then yeah, when I took a shower at night, I just ended up with gossip girl.

I woke up feeling not so much of a "good morning" at around 9am maybe because I slept late. And yeah, just today I stayed at home the whole day and it was freaking hot. I did pilates in the afternoon, tennis in nintendo wii and boxing, as usual. I feel so great after the workout! I did pilates 3x this week and it's quite an achievement :) I am enjoying it, I just have to be not lazy to start it off. One thing I hate about today is that I ate a lot in dinner :( since gigantic fried chicken was on the table. :( i just cant help it, yeah I hate myself for giving in to temptations. :( Then I wasnt able to resist nachos, doritos at night. OH FML. I'm such a fatty. :( Okay I feel effin bad, to add up is my allergic rhinitis, one reason why I wasn't able to attend to my acads, which is piling up. :l

Now playing: Because I'm a girl

Time check: 12:02 AM Sept 12 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELISA DIMAGIBA, DANICA ATIENZA and MIGUEL COSIO :)

I was also able to watch the TV again and it's sad to know that Phil and James Younghusband's mom passed away. I felt sad when I saw video clips shown on TV, it was in Manila Memorial Park, where my Dad's remains were brought too. :( It's really hard losing a parent and it's even harder that there are some things and people making you realize how much you have lost and that no matter what, the worst should be assumed. It's really sad.

Now playing: Gallery

I was also able to see the trailer of the movie, "No other woman" and it looks interesting. I'll be watching that in theater next week with the best girls in my life now - Jem, Marga and Maria :) they're just so awesome and crazy. It is really interesting though I haven't been in a relationship yet. I just find it really enticing at the same time. Okay, I'm excited for a movie date.

Making today more ideal for me as a lifestyle minus the late night sleeps and overeating, I got a massage and home service is really the best thing on earth but as usual, after every massage, I just cant sleep right away so I called marga and talked about the usual stuff. hahahaa You know how much we love each other :))) I also had a glass of milk tonight and it's warm milk, take note. :)

Now playing: Blue Sky - Hale

HAHAHAHA speaking of Hale, I am reminded of Champ who I met months back and just this week I was laughing so hard to see his feature in CodeRed magazine with his best buddy, Roda. hahaha It was in the inspiring feature page! HAHAHAHA Oh those guys but believe me, they really are nice. :) It was also surprising that they don;t know about the feature and that I had to send it thru mms pa for them to see. Congrats guys :)

Okay, going back, How am I. Seriously, I don't know. I really am figuring out how a numb heart like mine still feels. I've been ignoring a lot of things and sometimes ignorance makes one believe that those things you ignore are not real and didn't happen. I don't work on them because I choose not to.

Now playing: Party all the time

(Note: my iTunes is on shuffle)

I stand by my saying, "If I don't say it out loud then it wouldn't be true" I guess that explains everything. My life has changed so much that sometimes I begin to think that is this life really mine?

There are things that are hard to explain and there are things better kept than spilled. Sometimes "I'm okay" stops all the worries of the people around you. I don't get the point of telling how you really feel when even you, yourself isn't so sure about and that you can't pinpoint to anything what makes you happy or miserable. I guess how you really feel is a combination of everything - from the air you breathe to how you interpret them.

Now playing: Cheers (Drink to that)

I'm not sure if I am still making sense here but one thing I am sure of is that I am unsure of how I really am. I try as much as possible not to show the negative emotions I have inside me since they are "non-adaptive" or simply, they will bring no good, so what's the point. But sometimes it's hard to keep them all inside you, they pile up and fill up the whole YOU. I guess that's why I decided to open my blog and write something.

We create what is real.

Reality is how we create it.

LIVE DANGEROUSLY.

xoxo,

Jills

SHOUTOUT: It's the UP PUGAD-SAYK 12th anniversary party: IGNITE in FIAMMA 2nd floor on Sept 16 (Friday). Doors open at 10pm. Tickets are available for P250 - FREE FLOWING DRINKS c/o The Bar, Party Shakers and San Miguel Beer. Hope to see you all there! :)

Now playing: Leave (Get out) - Jojo

Before I forget, the worst feeling in the world is to work so hard and then nobody appreciates it. what's even worse is that when anybody just claim your work to be theirs. How rude and HOW PATHETIC.

See you all around (though I believe nobody can read this blog since I already removed all my site connections to this blog because I really want this to be private)

time check: 12:24am

JILLEY

If you were going to get a tattoo, what tattoo would you get?

2011-07-31T19:46:00.001+08:00

HAHAHAH SPEAKING OF TATTOOS, happy 1st bday to my tattoos! :))) yeyyy. I wanna get another one, SAKURA leaf. :)

Keep it interesting. <3

What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given, and who gave it to you?

2011-06-03T00:45:00.001+08:00

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - I'M A HUGE FAN OF MY DAD. :)

Keep it interesting. <3

SPONTANEITY: Back to the dancefloor

2011-05-29T21:44:00.016+08:00

May 27, 2011 at Amber UltraLounge, The Fort

Hella fun day and night! Shopping first at Greenhills with my cousin, Aihnua from Ibiza and we got these awesome LOVE rings from Girlshoppe. Lovely though it's kind of pricey.

NO REGRETS. JUST LOVE.

Hella fun night with the Southern beauties, my Psych friends:) I would like to thank RJ Mariano, the awesome events promoter for letting us all in (yeah, we're 17) and for the awesome accommodation too. And hey, I wanna say, there are lots-a girls commenting that he's cute. HAHAH I couldn't agree less. :)

Partying is LOVE. I love this photo. Thanks to Howan Miguel Cheng for these awesome photos.

Here's for more. WE LOVE HOWAN. I mean, yeah. HAHA He's such a good photographer, right Issa? Oh well. Maybe you should all check us out in twitter for more. :D But yeah, thanks Howan for being such a good sport. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALYSSA VALORIA :)

-also thank you to UP SIKAT for being with me here and congrats for an awesome performance at the Fort Strip

May 28 - at 4AM in Eastwood City, Libis (The Distillery)

We went to Manor, but it's already closed. Then we decided to check on Circa and Blue Onion. On our way, Jen (the girl in blue) approached us and asked us if it's just okay for her friends to hang with us. Being open for new friendships and spontaneity, we said yes and joined their table. There, we met a girl from UP-CFA, Jem's batchmate and there, we all discovered how small the world is. New found friends from UA&P are awesome and simply, nice. I wanna see them all again and know them all more :)

Epic night. SPONTANEOUS. I love it.

Partying has never been this good.

Good times.

Good vibes.

Loosing up on the dancefloor.

Singing dancey songs.

Celebrating life.

Bonding with Friends.

Meeting new people.

Building Friendships.

Drinks. Lights. People. Music.

LOVE.

xoxo,

Jills

The after-MATH

2011-05-26T01:29:00.000+08:00

Forgive me for the title. I just cant think of anything creative at this time given also the fact that I just had my 1st day of my summer vacation today which was preceded by a mindfucking Math100 exam but I hope I'll pass.

Alright, I was supposed to be sleeping right now but I just can't help myself but write something. I just actually finished watching 500 days of Summer yes finally! Though FYI I already "watched" it in MOA last October 22, 2009 but I was too busy to REALLY watch then. Finally I got the chance to watch it, I mean the entire thing since I already started watching bit by bit few days ago.

Alright, to my point now. While watching, some things popped off my mind and I just gotta say them.

Sometimes, what you really need is a huge slap in the face (which is usually hurtful) for you just to see the reality (NOT your reality or the reality you believe in). Tried and tested true. In the movie, it was when Tom saw the dazzling engagement ring Summer was wearing. Yeah it hurts for real but it was the point when he realized they are over and no more turning back and that He needs to move on and let go of her and what they had but what was hard there aside from their memories together is the confusion. Yes confusion, it was a complicated relationship or what we call a "thing" between the two. Tom didn't know what they really are, what was their status or something like that. It was complicated so I guess in his place, it was a bit hard to figure out how SHOULD he feel most especially if the things they did together were things done by more-than-friends but according to Summer, they are "just friends". A pretty interesting relationship, very common these days. BUT I think they're both crazy and magulo. Mood swings and dumb moves, cmon. They're actually boring. HAHA Now, I'm the one who's magulo and I bet you can't figure out what really is my stand. Oh well, COMPLICATED. most of the time, it sucks. I think it's time for me to avoid it.

See you at the parties, everyone.

xoxo,

Jills

Another random thought

2011-05-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

Sometime last week, I was in the couch, bumming and I heard my mom and Josh talked:

Josh: Mommy, what will you do if you find out that Ate is a tomboy (lesbian)

Mom: Hay nako anak, hinding hindi mangyayari yan, bata pa lang ate mo, alam ko nang malandi yan.

(then I looked at my mo, shocked and just holding back my laught-out-loud)

----

Another LMFAO!

Lesson learned? Let us just all be real. :)

xoxo,

Jills

random thoughts on a hot afternoon

2011-05-11T17:34:00.000+08:00

Whew what a relief for me! I survived Tuesday, a so-called hell day: PI 100 report, Math 100 2nd exam and did my Psych 118 traces and archives paper that I passed this morning. Thank you God :)

Anyways, randomness begins...

A conversation between my mom (M) and my tita (her cousin) (T)

T: Paano mo pinalaki si Jilley? Gusto ko maging kagaya sya ni (insert name of my cousin here), yung maaral, matalino, sosyal, kahit maganda na madaming nanliligaw, hindi nag bo-boyfriend, responsible, alam ang priorities hindi kagaya ni (insert name of a girl here) na malandi.

M: Hay nako, simple lang. Let her be herself: maldita, mataray, maarte, mata-pobre, makikita mo, kasama nyan pagtaas ng standards sa lahat, sa mga tao, sa school pati sa lalaki.

-----

LMFAO for this. All I can remember and everyone in my childhood years can attest that I used to say "I don't want to play with them coz they're poor" with the attitude and they'll usually answer back with things like, "Eh ano ka ba?" and my always reply would be, "Rich". I also laugh everytime I get quoted most especially by my lolas and titas, and my mom, "Tayo rich, sila poor." I AM SUCH A MALDITA KID. hahahaha Some funny thoughts I want to remember. At least I am proud to say, I really am matured now. :)

I feel so tired but still looking for reasons to smile.

I am actually pissed and holding back anger but I just gave full permission to karma and conscience to do my dirty work. Time to just sit back, relax and watch :)

xoxo,

Jills

Hit the ask followers button?

2011-05-06T20:04:00.001+08:00

Hit the ask followers button?

Answer here

Catching up

2011-04-20T22:07:00.002+08:00

It has been a long time since I updated this blog, to date, my last post was when I was to leave for Japan and now, I'm officially missing the most awesome country I know. Just like what I tell everyone, 0% crime rate and very very disciplined citizens in a very rich country who owns IMF and World Bank; I cannot say more, I'm so amazed.

Now playing: Hazard to myself - Pink

"Don't let me get me. I wanna be somebody else..."

That Japan trip made me really really happy, I can say, it was an escape to my reality in the Philippines, my sad reality. Now my life is divided into before Japan and after Japan. Before Japan, I mean is, days before really deciding to book my flight with the threat of aftershocks and radiation. I went because I wanted an adventure and I needed it. Japan made me reflect and think more clearly. Just like what I said in my facebook note, which could have been my status but it was too long; my trip was fun and I can say, the best not because of the shopping sprees, Hello Kitties and all; it was more of the learning. Tito Glenn really is like my dad, I wasn't surprise at all, they're brothers! iWe talked so much a lot about social issues and everything revolving around the betterment of the Philippines, precisely, Philippine realities that made me more open to new perspectives and making me more critical. Like I said, an extension of my Socio 10 class under Gerry Lanuza. Another best thing there was knowing my dad a little more, since we had a little time together. I never liked regrets so I'd rather do something about it than blaming myself and regretting.

Now playing: I love you goodbye - Celine Dion

Some things that I can still remember was after take off and when I tuned in to the PAL hitlist in the plane, the song I love you, goodbye played. hahahah I was just laughing out loud, all by myself. Maybe a kickoff of what Japan trip should really be. :) Anyways, Japan is also a center of fashion in the world and since it is not a secret too that I'm so much in love with Hello Kitty, I took advantage of being in the country with no fake product. :) Yes, I shopped a lot as in so much! Include also the coach bag I got, the best! :) I also love japanese food and Japan made me love the foods even more. No wonder why I gained 10+ lbs in more than a week. :) But I feel good, guiltless indulgence never fails! :) and that until now, I'm pigging out so much, adding more weight to myself. I'm such a fattie. but yeah, I'm still thinking of ways to lose weight and get fit, maybe the growing out of my wisdom tooth can be of help since it kinda hurts, most especially when eating. good enough. :D

And now I'm back to school, catching up to a lot of people and continuously discovering a lot of things. :) All I can say is that, I love my real genuine true friends so so sooooo much! :) I'm so thankful to have them in my life. :)

Oh and btw, here's my summer sched:

7 - 8:20 PE - Vanguard rooftop

9 - 11 PI 100 - CAL 406

12:10 - 2:45 Math 100 - MB 322

3 - 5 DATE WITH ALY. :)

It's kind of getting late and myt colds attacked me again. Maybe I should gather more sense and do another post again. :)

eat.pray.love.

never regret and don't be guilty.

xoxo,

Jills

Late night thoughts

2011-04-03T00:58:00.004+08:00

It's April 3 and in a few hours, I'll be off to Japan.

I'm having colds right now and it's not a good time, I know.

There are lots of things going on my head so I might just spill random stuff here. Forgive me for the randomness, as usual.

I'm in Laguna, it's 1:01am and I have to wake up as early as 7am because my other stuff is not yet fixed. Good luck to me. Plus the hassle of having a long hair, I have to dry it or else my day's gonna be a disaster.

This Japan trip is just oh so right in time. To date, this had been my third attempt to go to Japan.

First was last sembreak, when I wasn't able to work on my visa. Second was during the Christmas break, same reason and finally now. It was almost cancelled since the March 11 Japan tsunami and the aftermath wasn't doing any good then I decided to be adventurous and fly. I actually just booked my flight last April 1, 2 days ago and now, Sunday, I am about to fly to Japan. This is crazy, I know.

It had been a tough semester for me. During the start of the sem, my feel for the 2nd sem was so bad, as in I was expecting everything to be in such a huge disaster but I know I was wrong, the people around me, whom I care for and love proved me wrong. It was the best semester when it comes to experience and friendships I built, very priceless. It was actually the semester of redemption, I REACHED MY GOAL. :)

Now, my goal is to EAT PRAY LOVE -ish in Japan, since I will also be spending some time alone, to reflect, know and heal myself. Heal came in. Yes, I may say I failed my heart once again. Yes, it's me who failed my heart because I know from the very start that things won't work but then, I refused to ponder on that fact and despite all, I chose to take the risk. Then here I am now, realizing things again but I don't feel stupid, I feel stronger right now. Be proud of me, I didn't cry. :) It's hurtful but I can handle things so well because of the people who truly cares for me - FRIENDS who all say the same thing: "YOU DESERVE BETTER". There were just things recently that proved me those words. I deserve better. Now I'm just talking to Klarky, my friend since I was a college freshie and I felt good so much, Thanks for the kind words. :)

There are things yet to be realized by me, in Japan probably. It takes courage to admit such realizations and I can say, I am full of courage right now, Thanks everyone for that. :) It's not all about my heart, it's all about me, as a person, as a whole, as any of my social status and a lot more in store for me to learn, live, love and let go.

I'm not expecting to change myself in an instant maybe just merely but definitely I would want myself to be more open for a stronger, healthier and happier ME. :)

It's time to work on the optimism.

Enjoy life everyone.

xoxo,

Jills

What should I do to make myself understand that I have to move on and just forget about the guy that keeps on breaking my heart?

2011-03-30T23:53:00.001+08:00

First answer this, it is really him or the idea of him?
I know it's really hard to force oneself to move on but sometimes you just have to because if you don't, you'll just fall even harder as you said, he keeps on breaking your heart. Until when are you going to allow him to do that? In the end, you'll just be left alone, broken. I know that you are hurting so much at the moment but please, whoever you are, use that remaining strength for you to check on the reality and save yourself, move on. It's really hard to un-learn a feeling and it's almost quite impossible to unlearn something but it's all in the matter of again, learning. Try to learn to live a life without him, without the thought of him, without your feelings for him. This learning will take time but again, just like what I've been saying for these past few weeks, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a SINGLE STEP". You need not to force yourself to do it, just take it one step at a time and I swear, you'll get better and you will definitely be a better person than you are right now.
A guy that keeps on breaking your heart is a JERK and you should forget about him and your feelings for him. A jerk doesn't deserve love from a special girl like you.
I wish you all the best. I know this will be hard but I'm sure you have your beloved friends who will always be there for you, no matter what. I hope I helped you somehow with this. :)

Girls are special creations of God and are not made to shed tears for any guy. You are special, don't let anyone just break you most especially your heart. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN HIM. :)

Keep it interesting. <3

when the happiness was equated by loneliness

2011-03-24T00:10:00.002+08:00

I'm probably in the point where I can say I am at my saddest moment, after the loss of my Dad. Only Tarni can understand me at this moment.

THIS HURTS. SO MUCH. :(

Help me, God.

Dad, I need you. :(

Last Socio 10 class (03.18.11)

2011-03-22T03:12:00.002+08:00

One of the best class ever.

Jeje poses ended up looking like retards. :D

I look so playful. HAHA

AND THIS IS SO CUTE!

Thank you so much everyone for making my sem great and awesome. :)

Thanks Jj for the pictures and the sunglasses. :)

xoxo,

Jills

This is private.

2011-03-20T00:16:00.004+08:00

Maria*Gen*Jill*Erika

They are the best girls in my life, so much.

I LOVE YOU GIRLS

March 18, 2011 at the celebrity sports plaza

(It took me a while to finally decided to upload this, because I look effin fat! but according to everyone I asked, I am not, so here it is.)

THIS IS A PRIVATE PHOTO, Gen told me to make this private so PLEASE, respect PRIVACY.

I LOVE THESE GIRLS SO MUCH. :)

xoxo,

Jills

MY WEEK :)

2011-03-19T13:42:00.005+08:00

THIS WEEK IS A BLAST! :)

though it is a hell week, it is simply, THE BEST.

the "jeje" pose with Jasper. :)

and of course, my favorite girls.

With Julia (above), she's just so sweet and lovely. She looks like Andi Eigenmann. :)

And of course, my soul sisters forever: Erika and Maria are simply the best girls in my life now and forever. They're the most beautiful and the sweetest among the rest. :)

Soul sisters EAT A LOT. My new love in Heaven and Eggs rockstar before getting my new hair done. @ Eastwood City, Libis. This chocolate waffle is LOVE. :)

The Socio 10 presentation on March 18 at the lagoon. I love my back here in this picture, so as my hair. HAHA and I looove Hermie so much, she's such a white swan-y. :)

Though Friday is Bio lab exam day, these people made me go on with Bio the second time around. haha David Gonzales is one of the best Xavierian slash owner of Pan de Maniluuuh! HAHA and future husband for my good friend, Bettina Ong. :) and of course, Benson for making me laugh the hardest forever! :)

Hello NEW HAIR! :)

2011-03-19T11:36:00.008+08:00

This is the before look:

The inspiration:

ended up in Benefits Salon, Eastwood

Thank you so much for my hair stylists for a great job very well done and for setting it "messy look", they are the same people who did Camille Prats' hair. :)

So pretty.

Thank you. :)

Anyways, the reason for getting a new hair seems to be invalid at the moment. OH.

But I love it, THANK YOU, BENEFITS SALON. Eastwood. :)

when I love.

2011-03-16T19:53:00.007+08:00

The fierce heels I wore last Friday: Sinsation Extreme. I love this blog, too private for people to read. It was fun because of my girls. It wasn't because of a jerk.

Of course I looooove sneakers. This pair is simply adorable and I love them soooo much. :)

-----

I believe there are things better left unsaid or untold. Too hurtful to tell anyone, most especially if you got fooled.

I just looove sweets. They make me weak. I actually consumed the whole pack. so delicious! VERY FATTY I mean sweet weekend for me.

THEN I DECIDED TO HAVE A HAIRCUT.

according to my lovely friends, "BETTER YOU"

with that,

I MIGHT HAVE THIS HAIR:

or this:

I really am getting my hair done tomorrow, Azta Urban Salon in Eastwood. :)

I'm so ready and decided to do it. I AM EXCITED! :)

xoxo

Jills

PLEASE WATCH MEL AND JOEY ON SUNDAY! :)

2011-02-19T02:20:00.001+08:00

Hello one and all,

PLEASE PLEASE WATCH MEL AND JOEY ON SUNDAY, 8:30pm in GMA 7. :)

FEATURING CALDA PIZZA, Katipunan Branch.

I'm part of the ad. :)

THANKSSSS!

xo,

Jills

thoughts before goin to bed, on a morning (again)

2011-02-19T02:00:00.002+08:00

This will be random, I'll look for word combinations that would fit the day

My day started in Bio lecture, traffic and new classroom assignment (define:late) and the class wasn't dismissed on time, I left at 10:05am exactly not to be late for my next class, Socio 10 (yes, best class) therefore, I am considered to be absent in the lecture class because I wasn't able to sign on the attendance. Crap, it is.

CONGRATULATORY HUGS AND KISSES from everyone, I'm so proud to be part of Buklod CSSP. Though the Alyansa results for USC isn't that good.

Winners I bumped into today:

Kat

R-La

Mickey

Heart

Ace

Pat

Pao

Dan

Pat

Arrow

I hugged all of them. I'm so proud.

Socio 10, goin back, was good, mass media. I wanna ask questions and raise issues BUT I was too preoccupied by my bio lab exam, which happened after socio. And that, I don;t want my personal sentiments be presented in class. I just have to check on the media people first before bashing on them for the pictures being posted in the internet.

Bio lab exam, I felt a bit confident since I studied so hard the night before. and oh btw, I have a hello kitty band aid stuck in my right arm, "I love having a bruise today, just for today". I love the bandaid. it's so fun. :) Anyways, the lab exam came, it was hard OMGGGG. The worse part there is that I wasn't able to take my anti-histamine beforehand that's why in the middle of the exam, my allergy attacked me and made me sick the whole day.

I left school at 4:30pm, I was kinda disappointed for not seeing Mara the whole day, but it's okay. I just slept on the road, arrived in McDonald's bel-air to meet mom and got some hot fudge sundae at around quarter to 7. It was a picker-me-upper thang. Just good. Then my mom and I went to Nuvali, got some yummy taco salad and did some shopping too. I got two shorts, I swar you're all gunna love them haha. :)

I'm thinking about the things Phoebe told me, I am, again, vulnerable. BUT I DUNNO HOW TO ESCAPE IT. Again, I'll just go with the flow.

We have a new videoke, new and better songs now. love it! :)

Uh, I'm gettin sleepy. good night!

xoxo

Jills

My 1st post in 2011

2011-02-12T03:41:00.003+08:00

It's 3;43am and I am still up.

Why?

I arrived in south at 7pm, then decided to have a workout (spell it:JOG) with my brothers in Nuvali. We left at 8:30 and then came back at around quarter to 10. It was a fun workout, good enough for me since I ate rice. :( Then I just surfed the net all night, all dawn.

Then I felt sad. I was just googling about a certain person and when I learned a lot about that person, I started feeling hopeless. I was reaching for a star again, I didn't know. This has something to do with the heart (or your hypothalamus). Everyone close to me had been telling me these past few days to "keep" the reason why there is a constant genuine smile on my face. I am quite sure I was happy knowing that this person exists in my life and I admit, that person gives some sort of a meaning in this life. but then again, just like what always happens, I'm always being left alone. I can say "Ok lang yun, sanay na ko." But no matter how used I am, I will never get used to feeling sad and empty. I'm also a human, I have limits.

I'm not that comfortable still to spill what I want to say. It's hurtful.

And btw, it's soon 4am and I'm so much eating a lot of chocolates just to feel good. I dunno if that worked or works, I think I gotta rest. America's already up and I might be scolded by my beloved aunts why the hell am I still awake.

I do not know yet what to do tomorrow.

It's soon Josh's 8th birthday, let us all make him happy on his special day.

I will spill new things soon.

xo,

Jills

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T02:49:00.003+08:00

Jesus is the reason for this season...

Though this xmas is not that good and damn I feel effin sad, I'm kind of excited for the gifts coming and oooooh, I'm in a hotel in Manila, still up at this late due to addictive wifi.

Im hoping for today be better,

heart you all.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS :)

xoxo,

Jills

CRAP CRAP

2010-11-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

I was typing a long entry already about my 1st week of this semester and then all of a sudden I accidentaly pulled the plug of this freakin laptop and now im back to zero. oooohkay since there is nothing I can do lemme just make my kwento short. uhm, I think I just have to get my mood back and maybe do it some other time. sorry :l ooohkay, I would like to share some random thoughts instead since my first week isn't that great. Also because my first day is full of controversies.

Uh, BY THE WAY, it is a happy time, somehow for the Philippines because again Pacquiao made the Philippines and the Filipinos be full of pride. I, myself was kinda teary when I saw him won the battle against Margarito. Then I said, "Ang sarap pa rin pala maging Pilipino". I mean it. At the back of my mind, I can't help but think about the 800 million pesos Pacman will be having. Oooh lala more hermes, Luis Vuitton and so much more for Mommy Dionisia and Jinkee. :D yes, brand new iPads for his lucky kids. :) I was thinking that maybe, he will not really commit corruption. I hope so.

Speaking of the 800 million pesos, I am now wondering, is money really making the world go round? Economists and Businessmen might say yes. Or is it really the money that makes people happy? I don't know the answer really. But I am very much curious to know the answer. I think it is something worth taking time to think about.

RANDOMNESS.

I'm eyeing on Ford Fiesta, I'm very much interested on the voice dialing and other voice command stuff. I'm also wanting Ford focus, the hunchback, I think I want the blue one. And when all else fails, there is always Mazda 2 or 3. haha oooh cars cars. I want Pacman's benz in LA. :D I just hope Lola Remy's promise will come true -- that I'm gonna have my own car under my name this december. :) I'm actually looking forward to that. :D

Alyssa and I are planning to have a total workout. Yes, I am serious about losing weight and taking it seriously. Jogging tomorrow and on Thursday, game game oooon. :)

BTW, I'm inviting one and all to attend the CSSP Student Council Voulunteer Corps orientation at 4pm in the CSSPSC office anteroom, FREE SNACKS! :) yey for that and then jogging in the acad oval at 5:30pm onwards and on Thursday. I am also having dinner with Delta Lambda Sigma Sorority on Thursday night. :) whew. FULL WEEK PLUS OF COURSE ACADEMICS -- remember, it is a no-break semester. xp

Actually, my feel for this sem is not that good and I am so negative about this semester. I dunno why maybe because I'm fucken ashamed of myself because I failed bio. :( and all else follows. I feel sad still.

I also dreamed of my dad last Sunday night. It felt real. Maybe I'm going to talk about it when I'm ready. I miss you Dad.

Jills

Schooled!

2010-11-04T22:00:00.001+08:00

It's almost the start of 2nd sem and to start off is the hassle registration. I left Laguna at like 5:30am and arrived in QC at 7am. To start off, printing mg form 5a in the department and then cleared my deficiency. After that, ZOMGGGG PREROG in CSRC (yup, I got it right) where I stayed for 4 hours, with Ryce and all other lovelove psych majors waiting for subjects and slots. Yup, I got Bio 11 - 8:30 - 10 lect PH 4205, 11:30 - 2:30 lab IB 205. I know it'll be better now, by the way it's Bio 22. After long hours of waiting, thanks to Ryce for being my buddy walking from CSRC to Educ to cancel the ghost-enlisted EDSP101 of mine. OOOH in time for my post-advising freaking hell I just lost the book where my advising slip, underassessment letter and form 5 were. OH CRAP that I even had to reprint my advising slip. WOAH hassle. OH and BTW, nice to see PAPA KARL well again, looking great huh. :) Kar came straight from the airport from Qatar, right in time for lunch in Jollibee Katips with Cholo, Gello, Kar, Ryce, Cat, Aly and Sarah. Woah, pigged out much with palabok, chicken, fries and medium iced tea and lovelove dessert c/o Kar from duty free - toblerone minis packs of white and nougat chocolates plus godiva truffles. SO LOVE! Thanks Kar, love yaaaa :)) Finally went back to UP, CSRC, to get my book, which was left with Maam Giz (Thank God, twas there) and then Kar cancelled her Physics 71. We are so through! After that, thanks to Cat for being with me in the cashier's office to pay my underassessed Psych 115 lab fee for an hour then went back to PHAn, got our form 5as and together with Kar, Ryce, aly and Sarah, we got our library clearance. After that, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MARK soooo much for giving us numbers for the assessment in our department. Almost done, but he kinda forgot to tell us that we need to have our form5as to be validated first but since it was already almost 5pm, assessment was over and then again, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK SOOOOO MUCH NEIL, for the 'special' assessment of our form5as (Kar, Aly, Vat and mine) yey, and also, Thanks so much to Ate Remy for assessing mine and Kar's since the ink ran out, good thing, we still have our slot in the dept so Cat's and Aly's were also assessed. WOAH amazing, great to have these connections. :) I LOVE IT. :D Thanks to Ate, oh I mean, Maam Daisy for everything as always and Maam Angela Yu for signing our Form 5s. :D Woah it was a tough and tiring day given that I'm kinda having PMS, with 2 hours of sleep and headaches and all. I love psych majors, the teachers and the people, they made me feel happy, unlike here in this place, where only Buds and Josh love me. Oh and btw, after a short chitchats with Chelsea, Meggie, Allen, Chochi and all lovely people of psychology department, with Kar, Ryce, Cat and Sarah, we went to Trinoma to satisfy Kar's cravings on Mang Inasal and Cat's gonna buy some swimwear for a pool party, we missed Aly since she went to Las Pinas already. It was a great hassle-free night, after dinner we strolled and of course we wouldn't miss our true love -- Power Mac Center and I simply just love the new iPod nano touch, I WANT THE PINK ONE!!!! Oh I really wanna have it and a macbook air and iPhone 4. :D I wish! :)

It was a lovely day being with true people who understand, care and love. These friends are really worth keeping for and of course, LOVING. love yaaaa all :)

Uhm, I'm kinda excited for this sem since it is the time of my REDEMPTION. We have this study group for Bio already with all the sources from the people who support us, together with Chelsea, Cat, Guill and Cholo, we will conquer BIO and prove ourselves. TIME FOR REDEMPTION. +AMDG+ so then, hello to artspace regularly. :) and hello to jogging on Wednesdays. This will be fun. :)

Thank You Jesus for these simple life blessings. :)

And uuuuhm, UP Delta Lambda Sigma Sorority wants me this time, should I consider? UHM, worth thinking hard about. After all, Sen. Pia Cayetano would be a good connection in my future career - being a lawyer but first entering UP Law School on 2012. :) Pretty exciting. I still believe in my dreams. ^.^

See you all soon.

Jills

P.S. Here's my 2nd sem sched:

Mondays

2:30 - 5:30 CWTS 2 TBA

Tues and Thurs

8:30 - 1 Psych 118 PHAn 201

1 - 2:30 Psych 155 PHAn 203

2:30 - 4 EdCo 101 TBA

Wed and Fri

8:30 - 10 Bio 11 lect PH 4205

10 - 11:30 Socio 10 PH 320

11:30 - 2:30 Bio 11 Lab IB 205

--Obviously, No break.

On Wednesdays: 2:30 - 5:30 I'll be studying with Chelsea

5:30 onwards - jogging in the acad oval

On Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays after class, I'll be with my study group, STUDYING.

AGAIN, This is REDEMPTION.

Heyhey

2010-11-01T15:40:00.000+08:00

What-an-optimistic post last night. That was when I was alone in my room now that I'm in the real world, reality comes in. THIS LIFE IS STILL A MESS. I'm sick and tired of this.

Record Breaker

2010-10-31T23:45:00.003+08:00

My dad always calls me "iyakin", true. But only in situations when I really cannot help it BUT again, NEVER IN MOVIES, EVER.

I always say that no movie has ever made me cry, which is so true. A lot of people, most especially my friends tried it for a lot of times but they never see me cry in watching movies. Once there was a time when everyone in the moviehouse were crying and when the lights turn on, I saw them all weeping and I was like, just looking at them and they were all so surprised to see me with no reaction. I was also called "bato" and "manhid" for quite some time. I dunno, maybe the movie wasn't really that cry-able for me.

No movie has ever made me cry, ever. BUT not until I watched Toy Story 3.

I actually just finished watching it. Congratulations TOY STORY 3 for being the first movie to ever make me cry. Yes, first I was actually keeping myself from crying but tears just fell down most especially on the scene when Andy was talking to Bonnie as he gave the toys to her. It was so touching. Though I never let my tears fall down my cheek, I wiped them each time they flow out of my eyes.

As a kid, I was used to play alone. I have a lot of toys, when I say a lot, it really means a lot and I admit, I had a hard time saying goodbye to them that's why I never did. They were just here at home, but kept inside the boxes. I am planning to take them all out and keep them when the right time comes but swear, I will never give them away. My mom knows that, I can donate eveything but never my toys. Just a bit of a history and that I can somehow see myself in Andy. Woah, it was a sad movie, even the ending didn't make me happy. Wow great, the record is broken and I never expected it to be Toy Story 3 because I was also planning to download and watch of course My Sister's Keeper.

Uhm, maybe this kind of reflect empathy (so great to have taken Psych 150 under Sir Eric, I really learned a lot) or mirroring, simply feeling exactly how another feels, perfect for counselling. Well then, maybe I'm ready for EdCo 101 (Introduction to Counselling). 2nd sem had always been the semester of redemption, that makes me excited. And oh, there is more.. It takes more than the Institute of Biology to destroy a Jilley Lapaan.

I have nothing to do but thank the Lord from above for everything.

I am still working my ass off for my 2012 graduation, with honors and 2012 kick off for my freshman year in UP College of Law in Malcolm Hall.

Toodles!

Jills

Define MESS

2010-10-31T20:09:00.000+08:00

My mom doesn't talk to me, for more than 2 weeks now.

She keeps on repeating the same crap that I am nothing but a bitch with the worst attitude

My iPhone is not working

My Sony Ericsson phone has no charger

Failed in Bio 11, 5 units

My BFF is going through a rough time

My other friends are too busy to be my friend

I'm having a lot of breakouts

I'm broke

I didn't enjoy this sembreak

I still keep on biting my nails

Every night I want it to be my last

History Repeats

2010-10-31T19:46:00.000+08:00

Things are just so mysterious. First, my fight with my mom. We fought last May,nearing the 2010 National Elections and my Dad's 2nd death anniversary. This time, we fought nearing the Brgy and SK elections and November 1, which is tomorrow, which is the day for my Dad again. Coincidence? I don't know. I'm actually looking for reasons but apparently my logic has been torn apart. Another is that, if anybody could remember, my summer grades were extreme. I got a flat 1 in STS and flat 3 in Math14. Now, I got flat 1 in Psych 145 and all other subjects I took last sem but this time, the other extreme was so bad, too much. I failed Bio 11, in which I devoted most of my time studying, which is also not even my major, but is included in our crazy curriculum. I know to myself that I already saw this one coming but I tried my best to have a little denial and of course, hopes that somehow my bio professors would realize how ineffective they were in teaching. Okay, let me get this point straight, maybe they are the Philippines' bests in the field, which is Biology and they're just simply the greatest people in the Sciences, conquering every journal articles, internationally published papers and all other things you think that are great BUT being their student, THEY ARE NOT GOOD TEACHERS. Really, they are not. Being a good biologist doesn't make one a good teacher already. As what I've learned from Sir Ton, teaching is a skill therefore these bio professors were not skilled to teach. Maam Roderos says a lot of things on lecture classes with all the segues and all, pinpointing mostly how dumb elem and high school science teachers are but at the end of the day, I understand nothing. Yes, she's perky, she's fun but still, not a good teacher. Dr. Salunga, on the other hand, is the greatest audiobook I know. She just replaced the throne of Maam Onglatco in my head as the living audiobook. For heaven's sake, I didn't know that the zoology part of bio 11 would be a reading class. She never teach anything, she just read the book. And now, both of them has the nerve to fail me? Great. I just hope someday they'll ask themselves "Am I an effective teacher/professor?", "Do I teach well the students who are in dire need of education in order to serve this country and our followmen?". I know this may sound bitterness, whatever. Again, this is from my perspective and this is my only way to pour my heart out so please, just let me. This isn't bitterness, I swear. Have an open mind, just for once. Now, I failed bio. This is confirmed. RODEROS AND SALUNGA, HAPPY? Well, I hope they are. This what makes them happy, as if 'keeping the standards high' facade works. Congratulations to the Institute of Biology for having such a high standard and yes, for making me feel dumb. Thanks.

This is a humbling experience and at the same time, depressing one.
This life is really a mess.
Thanks to Bio for contributing to this depression.

Freaked out

2010-10-21T00:28:00.000+08:00

I am sooo loving my iPhone because of the newest apps I dloaded but I am so freaking out right now why in the world NOW that I really need my phone, I think it just got broken. WTF. "restore needed" according to the screen. eff. eff talaga. Now I wonder if I still can save money given that my mom is still giving me silent treatment which makes me even more mad at her. I don't need advice or lessons, I know what I'm saying. This phone's a bitch, so as my situation! Tomorrow I'm gonna go out and spend again for the phone. I don;t think my idea of saving up for a new pair of badminton shoes will work. :( Oh, I did some shopping with mimi a while ago and I think I am sporting a sporty style that I got stuff or I mean, outfits from Adidas and Nike and oh, a blazer, still girly.I dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow, I know it's still bad and I'm actually expecting a worse day than today. I just hope my iPhone will get better and in time, I'll use it again. This life is a crap and an effin mess, REALLY.

I'm sorry and Thank You.

2010-10-18T19:11:00.000+08:00

I know I've been causing somehow worries to most of my REAL friends. Now I know who are always there for me in both good and bad.. I'm sorry for the worries. I would also like to thank the people who are constantly trying to make me feel better even through texts. I highly appreciate the effort and concern. I can't say anything more but thank you to all who cares genuinely.

Jilley

I'm a POCHaholic!

2010-10-16T18:55:00.002+08:00

The best profs that I love the most in PSYCH are sooo great!

see them at:

http://pochaholic.blogspot.com

Tune in to DZUP 1602 6-7PM and learn learn and LOVE...

xo,

Jilley

BA PSYCH '08

Because you deserve...

2010-10-16T18:22:00.002+08:00

After all the hell weeks, deadlines, exams and stress, TIME TO EXPERIENCE ITS AFTERMATH!

Brought to you by

UP Pre Law Society

UP Alpha sigma Fraternity

UP Mixed Martial Arts

HAVE FUN.. it's time to party! :)

SEE YOU ALL THERE! :D

MESSED up

2010-10-16T00:12:00.000+08:00

Okay it's midnight again and I'm still up. Holy fuckin shit why the hell am I still living? Seriously, a thousand of minutes of my life had been me, wishing to die right at the moment. In all aspects of my life, I am a fucking mess. I never imagined a life as awful as this, oh well, should I still call this a life? First, my academics killed me this semester and I stood strong, believing that nothing can ever let me fail and that all the efforts, hardships, pain and all shit will all be worth it and at the end I can see the expected best results, as usual, but this life is a crap or I mean, this hell is one fucking hell of a crap. Many times and most of the time I tried to be okay but all I did was conceal. At the end of the day concealers are took off, showing off the reality. Again, now, I realized this life is a total mess and I am giving up. I'm so tired of cleaning up the mess everyone gives, I'm so tired of living with the people who just take me for granted. I wanna die coz whether in heaven or in hell, I know I am valued. Well, that brought out the worst in me. NOW, I hope every hater and faker is happy, NOW that I am living a messed up life and crappy self. For all the things that just happened and happening, as far as I am concerned, I'm officially worthless. Now, help me do my suicide or please, do it for me. I do not care anymore about the so-called flowery word called "dreams" since they weren't really mine, but the people's around me. I never knew happiness could be so luxurious that I cannot afford it because my mom says so, or should I still call her mom? YES you heard it right. Now find that out yourselves because as for her, I'm the worst person on earth. Don't get me wrong, I am the worst person on earth, not her. She's perfect, she really is! wow I am so jealous and insecure! I dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow and I don't wanna know, I know everyday is the worst day ever and I never thought the worst can even be the worse. Credits to psychology 150 for making me realize what really my life is. I am loved, just conditionally because I am only loved everytime I did my job well done, finishing the first and being the best. Oh cmon, you know it, GPAs in 1s, US, CS, dean's list, chancellor's list and all of the fucken lists that describe prestige and bests. At least they have my name to tell people that they know or raised somebody who's an achiever, the perfect but in my face, I was never the best, I am the worst, quote unquote. Now I know why I feel pressured. I realized that I am not pressured to get those unos, GPAs and Jilley Lapaan on the best lists and in the face of the public but because sad to say and hard to believe, I am still in denial for so long but I am pressured to get people's attention and love, because I enjoy it, I want it when the limelight is on me, all attentions and praises on me but at the end of the day, when things didn't work out for me, things went crazy, they care more about me, they care because I am nothing but a shame. That is, conditional positive regard for me. Maybe undconditional positive regard is never for me, anyway, with all the words that were said to me, I do not deserve it. Thank you for making me realize these things. These challenges had made me strong all the years and I've been through a lot, maybe this is the end of my strength, these crap pushed me to my limits, you won. Finally, you just destroyed me. To all of you, thank you. It was a challenging experience and I am tired of this. I strive to be at my best because I am only valued and loved if I am at my best, I'm tired of it. I am not asking for unconditional love or unconditional positive regard, I told you, I don't deserve it. I believe people that I'm a bad person, even the worst, which also came from my own mom's mouth, as they say, mothers know best. So, I believe in you, no need to convince me because I am convinced. My dreams were just flushed down the toilet therefore, I will never be any useful or be the person you are all expecting me to be. Oh well, I'm not even expecting somebody will ever take time to read this. So it's best to pour my heart out here since nobody ever care about what I'm feeling. I'm a bad person, right? Then if this is my punishment, I beg, please stop, enough of the torture please, kill me so that a problem would be gone once I die. I wanna die so there would be less bad person in the face of the earth. I wanna die so you all won't be crappy to see me again and I wanna die, to make you all happy. I wish you all the best...

Til then,

R.I.P.

June Leynette D. Lapaan

Dear God,

sorry I failed you once again, as they say, I am the failure. Thank you for giving me the strength to face every challenging day and still smile despite all. Thank you for letting me experience a lot of things and helped me grow. I'm sorry I was never a good child, I do not deserve to live the gift of life anymore. Life is too precious, somebody worthy needs it and I don't deserve it. I'm sorry for being a living evil everywhere I go, I'm sorry for all the sins that I have done and for all the things that I failed to do. Despite all of the realizatiions I had, God, I still want to be in Your Kingdom and experience the real happiness and unconditional love, which I never experienced here because I do not deserve it. I want to experience failing over and over again and still feel proud that I tried. I want to experience making poor decisions and still see a smile on the faces of everyone. I want to do bad things, take revenge and be thought of the lesson, making me realize that what I did was wrong and not telling me that I am a bad person. I want to do a lot of things like car race, bungee jump and learn a lot of new things like photography with full support and not telling me that I just wanna do it coz it's a luxury and I just want people to get jealous of me and raise my status. I want to slip off the ground, get all bloody and still believe in myself after all. I want to fail without feeling guilty and anxious of what other people might think of me and without accusations that I really don't care where in fact I almost died in order to succeed. I want to dream and when I do, I would just think of myself and it would be for me, my own growth and my personal happiness. I want to live a life that is not dictated. I want to learn with no limits. God, I am still hoping that time will come I can somehow do these things and that is only when I am with You, my soul resides in Your kingdom and when I get vanished off the earth. God I am humbly asking Your gracious help to make those dreams come true soon. God, I am giving up. This is already too much and I want to come back to where I should belong. I'm ready for the judgment day and for all the punishment that You are going to give. I want punishments only from You, who solely has the right. God, You know how much I hope that everytime I close my eyes and open it, I hope that I'm gonna see You. Thank You God for listening to me always. Thank You God for the faith. Amen.

Once, I said that strength is the only thing I am thankful for. Now I say, strength was gone and faith is the only thing I am thankful for.

It's 1:09 AM and soon, I am going to close my eyes. I honestly hope that this will be my last post and that we'll all see each other outside of the earth. Until then, Goodbye All.

:(

2010-09-30T11:41:00.000+08:00

I feel so sad, so down.

Maybe this is the consequence of concealing what I really feel when I'm in school - with my true friends. I dunno, those people just make me feel good and when I'm left alone, I feel so sad. :(

I want to die, really. This life is a fucking mess. I'm so tired of crying over and over.

Why does it have to be like this?

Why do I have to be like this?

I want to die NOW NOW NOW! :(

This life sucks.

I have no importance in this freaking world.

Better yet, take me, Lord.

I want to be in the safest and most secure place. :(

I want to be with my Dad now. :(

Daze

2010-09-29T18:57:00.000+08:00

I can't think of a good title but I hope I will make sense.

I just came from Chockiss in Bahay ng Alumni with my beloveds Kar and Ryce, after more than an hour of jogging. :) I feel so relieved after quite a while of series of tiring activities.

This week we had the formal interview for our applicants in Peer Counselling Group (a volunteer group). It was kinda harsh for them, but I tried my best not to be harsh, only to the deserving. :) HAHA Congrats to you all, great job well done. :p

Today's supposedly okay, except for the release of BIO 11 3rd exam result, in which I studied the hardest, which also I found the easiest among others because I was somehow confident with my answers. What happened? I do not know why. :( The result turned out to be my lowest among all the exams 44/100. :( I hope there is still a way. I would like to thank the people for still encouraging me to still hold on and giving me positive insights -- that I can still finish it and pass the course. I am not lowering my standards, but really, a 3 will already be okay. Lord please, help me. :( I know You won't fail me. :( It's not anymore my dream I'm risking, but the dreams of my family, unfinished business of my beloved Dad and the future of my brothers. Lord, help me po. :(

I feel so sad.

BUT people who loves me make me feel at ease. At least there are still things to be thankful for. Thank you, God. :)

Greet my Mom tomorrow, it's her 43rd birthday! :)

xo,

Jills

Hang-over

2010-09-26T22:57:00.000+08:00

I should be reviewing Psych 150 BUT lemme tell you about the awesome night last night.. It was Billy Crawford's conceert - 25 BC at the Music Museum and yeeeah, highlights:

The night was so so great, as you can see in the pictures. I had a great time chilling mostly with Sam Concepcion. YEsss oooh yes! He's just soooo friendly and yeah, he called my Mom, "Mom" when I asked him to call my Mom for the picture. Love yoooou Sam! PLUS when we were talking about his birthday concert in 2008 and other stuffs he told me "You're awesome" as also showed by his cuteSAM face :) hihi, I'm soooo loved. hihi :D And yeah, we talked about twitter and all. I also got the chance to hang with the MYX VJ (oooops I dunno the name) with Sam in the lounge, just exclusively US and Karylle was also there. hahahaha :D I was also able to have the chance to talk to the concert man Billy Crawford after the show, awesome awesome. I didn't notice John Prats in the background, ooooppps. hahahha It was a great great night. Thanks Tita Malou Lanto for making us all VIP hihi :) I'm so glad that Wen and Jac both had fun too. :)

We sat near the stage, near Karylle, Jay-R, MArk Bautista, Kristine Reyes, Zanjoe Marudo, Chesca Garcia, Chesca Litton, Doug Kramer, Gary V and Vice Ganda. Iya Villania, Nikki Gil, Sam Concepcion and a whole lot more were at the other side. It was a great dancy lovely night. Just like what I told Billy - "Great Show, Congrats!".

Okay, I'm a BC-Fan. :)

busy me now, should be.

tweet me.

xo,

Jills

Friday night thoughts

2010-09-24T21:16:00.001+08:00

I feel asleep in my room at around 3pm while watching my can't-resist Gossip Girl season 3 for the nth time. I fell asleep with my laptop on, earphones worn on both ears and my laptop just beside me. I wonder how this laptop tolerated the weight of my legs. I woke up surprisingly at 6pm, wondering why in the world I let myself fell asleep. I was so tired, I am tired. Another week again passed by, last week was still better.

MAYBE (I'm not quite so sure about this) some of you know the things that have been happening and had happened to me recently. It's my time to say something since it's me, being involved in a lot of issues, rumors and gossips.

I think all the effin fuss started when I created an account in formspring, which is less than a month ago. I never thought it would be a place for haters to take advantage of peeking into my life, asking questions with all anonymity. I admit, first, I was thrilled. Knowing that some people are interested of me and taking their precious times to think about me - mostly, they are haters. Time went by, enjoying the attention, ignoring the issues raised, some posts went overboard and just this Wednesday, I decided to cut off their rights in MY OWN account. It's already in private. As my friends say, "boring" since the haters won't be able to give us some sort of entertainment. I'm sorry haters, I failed you again. I'm still living my life. :)

Of course I cannot be discreet on the issues being raised by some people whom I barely know. From the pregnancy to abortion issue and the datings slash denials involving some people who are close to me and mostly, cagers. Followed by the very laugh-out-loud issue that I am just making things all up. For heaven's sake, why in the world I will do such things that will make my name appear negatively judged in public? That is such a very stupid thinking of the haters who love me so much. My life has been private most of the time and I guess it should remain private. After all, I am not a celebrity/public personality to have the responsibility to tell every single detail or even bits and pieces of private information whether it's about me, my family or anybody close to me. It made me sad knowing haters hate me for just being me. As some may say, envy may be a reason. I would like to thank my dear friend, Andrew Marfori, the SPED major and a fighting maroon for telling me this simple advice: "Everybody's got to have haters. Just use them to make you stronger." Very well said and that's what I'm doing. Sorry again to haters, your threats involving the fighting maroons are just so silly, your issues won't affect me and so as them.Too bad for these haters, they just can't have the Jilley Lapaan take down. But I assure you little fellas, before you can do that, you will experience it first hand.

Another thing, UP Diliman is such a big community and I don't consider myself as "sikat" or famous. There are a lot of celebrities in school, they are the famous ones, not me. I am still wondering why there was a paparazzi, foolishly took pictures of me last Tuesday in my own home building - PHAn. I reported it in the security and I wish that won't happen again, it's creeping me out. I wonder what has to be done in my pictures... Hmm..

Emotionally, I am not that well. Things are just getting so crazy these past few days, adding up to my stress is the suspense of the BIO 11 3rd lecture exam result and the stress of the people around me. I think projection is widely spread.

Thank God I am a psych major, I am blessed to be educated in the Center of Excellence to understand people better.

Again, Haters will be haters, they will forever hate. As long as I have my real friends, family and God with me, your words will never EVER bring me down. Keep these words in your head. I've been through a lot all these years, NOBODY CAN EVER PULL MY FIGHTING SPIRIT DOWN. I love you all dearest TRUE FRIENDS, FAMILY and GOD! Thanks for all. :)

This is already getting too long.

So I guess I'll just see you all tomorrow night for the 25 BC: Billy Crawford's anniversary concert at the Music Museum. It's gonna be FUN! :)

I'm coming with my beloved BFF Wen and true friend Jaclyn (my treat for the both of them) and I would like to thank Tita Malou, Music Museum Group Manager for the free passes. :) I hope tomorrow's gonna be better.

THANK YOU, ALL FOR ALL! :D

xoxo,

Jills

Papparazzi

2010-09-21T22:58:00.000+08:00

It was almost a great day, aside from the gloomy weather, I just discovered there is a paparazzi who happened to follow me this late afternoon, like at 5:30pm in the PHAn lobby. Too bad for that little papparzzi girl, she only used a camera phone to weirdly try to take a snapshot of me. With all my psych friends around, I just hope she didn't get what she wants -- a picture of me, also pretending to be talking with a random guy just to cover her dirty work. HOW SILLY! One more wrong move, with NO DOUBTS, I might as well make a move. You are definitely creeping me out, lil froggy. I just hope you are not a stalker. I have an idea of who this girl was, BUT I do not know what in the world she is up to and why the hell she did that. Uh, I do not need yet a bodyguard.

Woah, I had breakfast at 10am in Flapjacks. Thank you Belle de Jour for the 250php cut off from our bill. It was a grea great pig out with Kar and Fatima in Technohub -- waffles (soooo perfect) PLUS mini burgers and twisted fries PLUS baby pancakes. YUMMY MORNING! After the pig out, starbucks -- bought choco java chip (though not decaf) and Kar got a green tea. Normal Tuesday.. Psych 150 and Psych 115 PLUS thanks to wifi technology, we're kinda like on livestream in facebook. I just hate that twitter doesn't work.

It was a good good day except for that creepy paparazzi. I can name HER. But Jilley never liked war.

STOP BASHING AT ME. You'll just be destroyed.

xoxo,

Jills

I wanna show some LOVE

2010-09-19T16:31:00.002+08:00

I wanna show my haters love

AND MORE LOVE TO PEOPLE WHO LOVES ME.

EFF words are tiring. People shouldn't waste time hating. World's full of hate..

TIME TO LOVE.

xoxo

Jills

Girls day = Blue Day = Bonding day

2010-09-16T19:29:00.001+08:00

I'm kinda sick today but keri.

My day started off with SPAN 10 long exercise checking followed by the weekly (almost) exam, 8th exam to be prescise.

I had wonderful breakfast with Karisse again in Technohub -- Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf is love. Again, Thanks to Belle de Jour for the big price cut-off in our large Chef's tuna sandwich and yummy pasta -- Roast Chicken and Mushroom! :D lovelove! Then back to UP, early again for Psych 150, uh, maybe some things arre not meant today. :p Kuya Collins, Ate Marissa and Ate Retch can get what I'm trying to say. hahahha This day's crazy, people are just so issue-ing me. haha :)

PSYCH 115. oooh yeaaah. controlled stuffs, haha. Just so fun with the people PLUS HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAMAE foodtrip -- yummy cake and palabok. yuuuuum. :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAMAE! love yaaa. :)) I also met Tita Miles' nephew today. hahaha small UP! hihi :D

At 5:30, tambay again in parking as usual then thursday habit -- PSYCH O'CLOCK HABIT IN DZUP 1602, with Kar, Sarah, Aly and Cat to Kat to Kat to Katipunan -- McDo drive thru.. and what's new? TAMBAY IN ATENEO PARKING as we are tuned in in Psych O'clock habit -- We soooo love Sir Ton, Maam Chei and Maam Div (the guest this week) and yes, we admit, the topic: CLOSURE. :D ajeje. :)) shoooowbizzz though I think Maam Chei kinda forgot about us today. Err, next week? :)

It was a fun fun day. At least despite of all the stress, we are still able to have fun once in a while.

Good night and Good luck for BIO 11 tomorrow, kids. :))

xoxo,

Jills

Fun daaaay!

2010-09-14T18:33:00.001+08:00

Yes, I had fun today though it's kinda tiring. Finally we got the chance to relax.. I started my day at 10am (after printing my 2 psych 150 papers), NO CLASE EN ESPANOL! :) I had a breakfast date with my beloved Kar in Technohub -- Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. :) We used my Belle de Jour couponS (yes, three!) from a 600+ bill, we cut it to like 400 na lang! yeaaah so great! :p We had a big bread breakfast with yummy jams and fruits PLUS toblerone cheesecake PLUS two tea lattes PLUS two coffees PLUS a big chocolate cookie! hahahah define pig out - in a healthy way. :) I love it though I am allergic to caffeine, double vanilla tea latte for me, making me kinda palpitated during PSYCH 150 class at 11:30 am. I also did a sweet gesture today.. Since I have no idea what to give for Maam Chei as birthday gift, I gave her Cofee Bean and Tea Leaf coffee. yeee sweet with sugar! haha I looove Maam Chei soo much :)

:)) And oh, when we get back to UP, by the time I went off the car, in my right was Mike and Robby, and in my left? GIRLS uber kilig. hahaha funny, I know. :p It was a great great fun fun PSYCH 150 class though my attachment style questionnaire result was Fearful-Avoidant (quadrant 4) :( Then usual, PSYCH 115 experiments.. headache BUT so fun and so great with my beloved classmates. I love the hugs kisses and all. They are just so great. PLUS CAT's KILIG MOMENTS :p Yes naman, Lorna Tolentino is soon to be her mom-in-law. :)) hahahah great. I love these girls, so lovely! everyone, as in everyone! Cara, Fatima, Sarah Bea, Sarah, Pat, Kar, Kamae, Cat, Monica, Eunice, Aly, Ryce, Vhie and yes, the boys too - Dan, Guill, Jayjay, Michael, Glenn (MIA), Patrick and Jed (yes Sir Mike!) hahahha love love love theeeeeeeem all! :) We miss you Maam Div. :)

OH, Psych o'CLOCK HABIT on THURSDAY - CLOSURE featuring the lovely hosts Maam Chei Billedo and Sir Ton Clemente with special guest MAAM DIVINE LOVE SALVADOR in DZUP 6-7pm. :) They'll be greeting us on air as we have the listening partyyyy oooh yeaaah

After experiments, when all participants got M.I.A., we went to the soon-to-be routine - McDonald's Katips drive thru. :) burger plus fries plus sundae plus lovely memories and bonding is love.

This day's a gift, I forgot my sadness. Thank you God!

xo,
Jills

UAAP Cheerdance and LOOOONG DAY

2010-09-13T16:45:00.000+08:00

whew. First of all, I would like to congratulate my very own UP PEP SQUAD for AGAIN, being the CHAMPION in yesterday's SAMSUNG UAAP CHEERDANCE COMPETITION 2010 (though we missed 2009) for supposedly 4 consecutive years of championship! :) SO GREAT FIESTA theme! :))

Whole day, night and dawn like til 1, I just reviewed BIO, with so much sadness knowing that I again failed my 3rd lab exam last wednesday.. Thanks to the people who are always there to cheer me up and pray for me. BIG THANKS!

BIO exam at 7am, PH 4105, same tension of the room, it's just that WF classes are now in the left side of the room. Whew, SET B exam.. Thank God, mostly I was familiar with the questions and I am very much hoping for the best results -- this time, to pass the exam - a way to pass this subject which had been bugging me for so long now. I trust God that He'll never fail me, as I work hard. :)

After BIO exam, after a while of chit chats with my beloved psych majors, I was kidnapped by Cat, with Topher, Kar, Jen, Aly and Sarah to McDo Katipunan for some breakfast til like 10am, Allen and Issa also came. The Psych 195 kids - Kar, Aly, Cat and Topher left for UP and I stayed with jen, Allen and Sarah for some tambays and then went to Jen's crib for some watching TV trippings - Dora and Dance show, Chips and Monica also came by. I was kind of relieved, even just a little while after 2 weeks of being out of the scene, focusing on BIO only and as Allen described it, "gruelsome". :l

I went back to UP alone for Psych experiment at 11am. It was still as stressful as any other day, given that we only have fewer participants since it's a Monday.. spell: BIO. I love my groupmates Fatima (sooooo much!), Cara and Michael... They're just the best. haha:D It was fun though tiring.

3pm when we had this bohemian kind-ish party for Maam Chei and the rest of the OSA and PEERS September celebrants, It was so great pigging out -- cakes, palabok, ice cream and siomai but I left at like 3:40pm for my CWTS class, with Kim. AS Steps incident? oh no, good thing it was a Monday -- I got out of balance for some unknown reasons -- due to super stress? definitely. Good thing, nobody or maybe only few people saw it.. Thanks Kim. haha love ya. :)) Kim has a driver today, brought me to class.. great. haha

CWTS, the usual but without Alea and Jem... Great. Sit Tex has tis bias with psych majors like me (coz he is a psych graduate) hahaha I was late but still okay, I was also the one who took charge of reading the names for attendance. hihi :D I just hate the paper. :l

It's a rainy Monday afternoon again and I am so not liking it. I hope tomorrow's gonna be better than ever. Anyway, I always love surprises -- a SUPAHFEST ticket maybe? :)

I'm kind of M.I.A. in some aspects of my life most especially my social life, I wanna make bawi.. I wanna have fun, be happy but apparently, I already forgot how it feels like. :(

Make me happy, please.

I love you all dearest friends and special people in my life.

I love you all so much. :)

Thanks for making me feel alive.

xoxo,

Jilley loves.

0-14

2010-09-11T22:42:00.000+08:00

Being a UP student, maybe you know these numbers. First was 2007, which was the year before I entered Up and now I am here, same numbers appeared. Yes, I am talking about the UAAP season 73 men's basketball. It is definitely disappointing being a spectator and more frustrating being part of the oblation community. Heartbreak, as it is.

This day's game was the last UAAP game of Woody Co, Magi Sison and Martin Reyes, which are all key losses for next year's season. Well, good luck to you guys... I have a clear idea on how they are all feeling right now. Don't you all worry, we, your schoolmates, are always here for support, right?:)

It was a-not-that-good season, but just like the past years, there will always be next season and I know all eyes are focused on what the rookie Mike Silungan has to give for the team, straightforwardly, people are expecting Mike Silungan to bring UP to the final 4 at the very least. That may be the case but reminder to the spectators, Mike Silungan cannot do it alone, definitely. That's why they are called a "team" after all... I suggest that Alvin Padilla should develop self-control and minimize the overflowing unsportsman-like fouls that gave him 2 suspensions this season. Embarrassing, right? And UP Fighting Maroons should work better as a team because I strongly believe in these guys potentials, team effort must be improved in order to make better number on court. GOOD LUCK, GOOD LUCK. :)

In a lighter note, SAMSUNG UAAP CHEERDANCE COMPETITION 2010 tomorrow and we are looking forward for the big win - GO UP PEP SQUAD! :D They are just the best, with festival as their theme tomorrow. :) Yey, so excited! I may not be present tomorrow in Araneta for support, in heart and soul and of course, in television, I will be there for my school. MAROONS PRIDE! :)

Speaking of Maroons pride, YES, I am being invited to be part of the UP FIGHTING MAROONS BADMINTON TEAM and to make things clear, EVER SINCE I WAS ASKED, I NEVER SAID YES TO THE INVITATION. Why? Uh, I was part of the team back in my freshman year, 2nd semester to be precise, I love the game definitely, you all know that, since high school, badminton has been my life but there really are things that I have to set aside FOR A WHILE to focus on my academics, my dreams.. my way to UP Law School. It's so sad for me everytime I turn down the invitation of the coaching staff but then again, I know my priorities well..

SPELL it: BIO 11. I've been reviewing so hard for about 3weeks now for this 3rd exam and for the 3rd lab exam last Wed.. I must pass. God will help me pass, I know.

I am so down these past few days. I want peace of mind. :(

Please continue praying for me..

Jills

Faces

2010-09-10T02:06:00.003+08:00

hihi. so vain. BUT NUFF. The camera loves me tonight, it's once in a blue moon so better take advantage :)

I'M OUT til this time

2010-09-10T02:03:00.002+08:00

Thank God Im so losing weight.

I WANT A BRAND NEW ME. feel good. I'll focus on BIO BIO and ONLY BIO

drinking eff choco shake from shakeys nooow

The Only Exception

2010-09-08T20:27:00.001+08:00

"Because none of it was ever WORTH THE RISK..."

After quite a series of heartbreaks (thank God I'm single since birth) and with 19 units of academic load (plus BIO 11), I never imagined things that are happening, happened. I am still quite uncomfortable writing this post because some people are not yet ready but I think I am, I hope you support me on this "getting out of the box" or yet "taking a step further" since I am doing things in a mature manner.

"I always lived like this, keeping it comfortable.."

August 12 when things had just gone too fast. Looking back, I was overwhelmed. I thought it was just a shallow thing but I didn't realize as time goes by, it digs deeper, making the ground I'm in, smaller and more steep. Okay, 3 weeks, 4 weeks. From the half smiles, looking back a thousand times, smiling, sorry, hi's hello's and learning about the past, I am little by little falling off the steep ground without knowing where I'm gonna end up, with whom, or just alone.

"Up until now I swore to myself that I'm contented with loneliness..."

Things have been in symbols. I dreamed last Saturday, it was a sign for me, I have fallen off the digged ground. Until now, I'm trying to defend myself that starting to dig was a risk, and I was hoping until now, it's all worth it.

I actually had fun digging the ground and slowly, I started to love it, where in fact I told myself that I'll just enjoy it and nothing more.

"YOU are the ONLY EXCEPTION..."

I'm afraid that if I'll fall deeper on the cliff, I'm unsure of what's gonna happen next, as for experience, I ended up being alone. Irony is, I am happy with it, it's a relief but I just can't be myself while doing it. I'm tired of showing the best foot forward, trying to fit in.

It's not working out well. This isn't a place to grow. Maybe I should stay out of it...

I have to be mature enough to face and make a tough decision again. I cannot just stop it because the ground where I'm at is currently facing a hard rain, needing me to protect or just maybe, as a relief.

Last storm that the ground will face ends this week. Maybe little by little, I can go farther from that ground, hopefully without making it notice me being distant, going a bit farther.

I think it's saving myself from falling harder, losing my head and at the end, frustrations and bitterness. JUST BECAUSE there are a lot of people out there who are better than me. I think also there are also some who are watching, waiting to be in this position or maybe, in the same position as mine in that same ground, just because the ground is comfortable too, giving him enough strength or just maybe, enjoying the game, being a player. I don't know, but maybe that's the ignored sad truth.

It exists, though. There is just discrimination all these time.

"...and I'm on my way to believing"

With the decision I am about to make, things won't be the same anymore and I have to divert my "fun times" into something. Thank God I'm have a lot of friends who are the best relievers ever.

I have a lot more to learn.

I always believe that if things are meant to be, whatever happens, no matter how hard they try to resist it, they will always be meant to be. Keep that in mind.

Again, I'm saving myself from another heartbreak, since a broken heart, to be broken again is too much.

There will always be an exception to every rule but that doesn't mean you have to take advantage and enjoy that exception.

Sometimes you have to think long-term, some exceptions can still hurt you in the end.

Exceptions can make you think that maybe it's worth the risk.. but in the game of life, the first one who falls, loses.

Few weeks, few days more... goodbye is soon to be realized.

I know I have to say sorry for this.

I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I'm sorry.

Maybe things can start all over again, starting on the right way, taking it a bit more slowly and see what's gonna happen.

Maybe things will be better...

I'm hoping still.

Jilley

Busy bee

2010-09-06T22:47:00.002+08:00

10:47 PM 9/6/2010

Busy bee

Yes I am! I slept at 4am this morning and woke up at 7. Good thing, no traffic jam in going to DFA - I just came on time but eeek, I wasn't even able to dry my hair. :l It was a pretty great DFA experience, I am kind of given a special treatment since I wasn't able to print my appointment form, pa-cute tactics really work with people (add up the nice smile = GOOD VIBES!) :) I loooove the new DFA office, no hassle for me when it comes to the temperature - just so right. All went well except my passport photo, it looks crazzzy. haha :D After DFA, I went back to laguna, arrived at like 11am and then just changed into something comfy and slept. I woke up at 3:30 pm. Oh no. And when I woke up, I felt sick - allergic rhinitis attacked me. :( I also reviewed BIO 11 (as usual, as always, no doubts) lab part.. Thank God I am absorbing the knowledge.. I just hope I'll pass this time. +AMDG+

I'm kind of drowsy right now, making my room a bit hotter to subside my colds.

BTW, I am thinking of making a decision - I hope things will turn out well and yes, better. I am a student and I have to focus only in my studies. There is always a right time for everything because not every good thing comes on the right time. It's always best to wait for the right and ideally PERFECT time for some things the heart need. Anyway, this sem's soon to be over, just a month to go. :) I'm kind of excited for October, I'm getting my Japanese visa and hopefully, I'll fly to Japan. Who wants to come? :) Tokushima then Tokyo - exciting. :)

I also want to watch SUPAHFEST - T-Pain, Flo-rida, Sean Kingston and Kelly Rowland on Sept 18 in MOA (it's Wen BFF's BDAAAY!) I also want to watch UP fighting Maroons MBT's last game for this season on Sept 11 as they will battle against UE (ehem, Jermain hihi) and the following day, UAAP cheerdance competition (hopes up for the UP Pep Squad). BUT VERY IMPOSSIBLE :( Bio11 lecture exam on Monday, Sept 13 so better luck next time for me. I have a lot of wants but I have to be responsible enough to make my own decisions, know and recognize my priorities. Things doesn't end on just knowing, of course I have to recognize what I know.. delayed gratification may be my case, but things I have been waiting for my whole life is soon to come, I believe. I am so thankful to God that He gave me this hopeful heart, no matter how broken this is, no matter how hard I try to pick up the broken pieces of this shattered heart, where my dreams are, I just look up, say my prayer, may be once in a while a tear falls but at the end of it, I am smiling because I know God is here and He will never leave me. The best thing to know is that God gave me people around me who love me at my best and worst, and people who continue to challenge my strength and train me in this ever-changing life. Whoa. I am blessed though there are still a lot of things I am asking for, longing for and badly wanting. At least I know, I am an economic human, never contented, which I think is okay. At least I know how to understand things and be thankful at the very least. I am blessed and thankful. I cannot say I am happy, because I'm not that much but again, at least, I recognize that I am blessed and forever will be thankful no matter how many questions I ask and no matter how many times I will say "what if". I am looking forward to the day when I will be facing the creator to have a review of my life on earth. I am starting to build the face and image of a Jilley Lapaan that will be facing the creator (I hope I'll be at my best!)

Cheers people I love. Cheers to my haters too. :)

Life may not be easy. Life may be harsh. Maybe that's why God brought you all to my life and at the same time, brought me to you all -- to make life easy and chill. Optimism is the atmosphere right now. Let's keep it this way - it feels good. :)

I LOVE YOU ALL! xo

xoxo,

Jills

"Pink Day"

2010-09-02T19:09:00.000+08:00

Oh yess. I was kind of sick this day. Good thing, good thing. :)

A Span 10 exam started off my day, yeah right. Next? Just stayed in PHAn, the whole day, actually. From checking the sign-up sheets, getting more sign-up sheets, accomplishing sign-ups sheets and posting sign-up sheets, with Fatima of course. The weather's so crappy, as in. So my colds are on and off. Good enough. I was also able to talk to Maam Chei about my formspring issues, because haters are there, making it a chat room. Oh well, I'm not that affected since I am kind of getting thrilled laughing at them forever. And yes, had a series of great encounters today. I just feel weird on decoding why someone has to look back, staring at me and giving half smiles. Whoa. Haha I dunno. :p mysterious huuuuh. XP

Anyways, PSYCH150 is so so great (spell: Sir Eric) toast using baby bottles with our fave drinxxx and story-telling! Like a kid, like kids! :)) Fun. :D oh and yess, 115 experiments. I am soooo drained. :l But fun, 3pm fun. Girls went ga-ga. whoo. hahaha :D feel the rush!

I went out again, this time, Mcdonald's Katipunan with Ida, Kar, Ryce and Aly. Love them all! :)

I feel anxious on BIO 11 :( Help me, God. I need to pass. I must pass. Or else, the dreams I am trying to rebuild will shatter again. I would rather hope to die that to see that. :(

This life's fabricated. :( ...too bad, full of defects.

I miss you, Daddy. :( This wouldn't be my life if Dad's here, guiding me and giving me the Father's love I am very much longing for.

Dad, I miss the hugs and everything about you.

I dreamt of Dad last night, he was injured but I was there and held his hand, and everything felt so right. I need security of a loving father. People around me are so blessed to have their Dads by their sides and Moms that are always there to give everything that'll make them happy. I wish I had one too. :(

I'm trying my very best to be happy somehow but trying has always been a failure.

Jills

Are you dating a UAAP player?

2010-08-28T15:23:00.003+08:00

who are you?

Ask me anything

Do you have a sorority?

2010-08-28T15:23:00.001+08:00

supposedly. :l

Ask me anything

If you could instantly become an expert at one style of dance, what style would you pick?

2010-08-28T14:45:00.007+08:00

streetdance! Go UP crew! :D

Ask me anything

Would you rather be rich or famous?

2010-08-28T14:45:00.005+08:00

famous and credible. nuff said.

Ask me anything

Where would you like to spend your retirement?

2010-08-28T14:45:00.003+08:00

my lovely death. :)

Ask me anything

What was the best advice you've ever received?

2010-08-28T14:45:00.001+08:00

Stay humble and grounded. THE BEST EVER!

Ask me anything

What was the last book you read?

2010-08-28T14:43:00.001+08:00

Campbell. duh.

Ask me anything

Home.

2010-08-28T02:51:00.000+08:00

Just got here in Laguna. No sleep yet, might as well skip my first class tomorrow at 8:30. It was a very long day and I think I'll make kwento na lang tomorrow.

Good night people.

Happy anniversary mommy and daddy.

xo,

Jills

Home.

2010-08-26T02:51:00.000+08:00

Just got here in Laguna. No sleep yet, might as well skip my first class tomorrow at 8:30. It was a very long day and I think I'll make kwento na lang tomorrow.

Good night people.

Happy anniversary mommy and daddy.

xo,

Jills

BIO bayoooow

2010-08-25T12:15:00.000+08:00

BIO bayoooow

I'm still mastering my rote memorization (but with understanding this time, of course) on the frog skeletal system. I'm trying my best to enjoy it. It's dissection tomorrow. oh right. Fingers crossed. :l

I hope I'll get the best results for tomorrow's quiz. Help me God.

Thank you all!

xo,

Jills

Time of Nothing.

2010-08-24T14:55:00.001+08:00

Actually, we're just prepping for our experiment - AUGUST 31 start! I'm just kind of sad that I can't even enjoy the feeling of an experimenter posting on the boards the sign-up sheets and looking at the participants sign-up just because I am a confederate of the experiment. Though the success of the whole experiment lies on me, the feeling of doing such is something I cannot experience in any other courses I have. So sad. :l I also have to be MIA when it comes to 115 matters, psych 101 students MUST not know that I am an experimenter or else the whole experiment will be jinxed. :s Oh no. I have to do this like for a month, the duration of experiments. Looking at the brighter side, my number isn't posted on the sheets and yess, I'm the "Agua Bendita" haha funny. :))

OKAY, I jusy hope things will turn uout well and that we'll get all the best results:)

GO TEAM KUCHARA! GO TEAM SALAD! :D

.. For the love of the game: It's You, It's Me. SIGN UP NOOOOW in PHAn 3rd floor. :)

Whew, I just had some new discoveries this day. I wasn't really that shocked, just surprised and yes, it's what I am expecting. It's not yet October, remember? haha Somebody's taking a break out there, somewhere. I have BIO, my priority is BIO and everything involving my acads. So, whatever is, is.

ANYWAY, nobody can ever break a broken heart, right?

Put it this way, UP Men's Basketball Team in this UAAP season 73 is winless, so whatever game they play, they have nothing to lose, SO WHY BOTHER? Anyway, there will always be upcoming seasons to come. That's it. GET IT? ^.^

RUMINATION, it is.

That's life.

I feel bad about the hostage drama yesterday, it was just so awful. I just heard pieces of stories this day and it was so awful. Shame on that criminal!

In the good side, CONGRATULATIONS VENUS RAJ for being the 4th runner up! yeeeey. And yeah, my first reaction upon learning that Ms. Mexico won as the Ms. Universe 2010 = IRONIC. A Mexican won in Las Vegas. Oh right. At least the racism barrier's kind of melting these days.

WORLD PEACE.

I'm buying my mom a laptop tomorrow. Mom and Dad's anniversary is on Thursday.

WHAT NOW? I don't know. I feel so tired and used up. I want a peaceful rest, please? -.-

See you all around.

xo,

Jills

acads done

2010-08-23T23:05:00.001+08:00

I just finished reviewing for my Spanish exam tomorrow.. I studied really well, with full concentration. I also finished my Psych150 papers (yes, two). Now it's time to rest. This day had been tiring though I only have CWTS as my class but I came all the way from Laguna with 3 hours travel time. woah. :/

It's the thatOrg.com launch in AS Lobby tomorrow, see ya all there! :)

BTW, whatever is up to me these days doesn't concern anybody actually. :D

Well well well.. people who are close to me - friends and family know about this because I told them.

I won't be surprised if one of these days there'll be a blast or a fuss about me and the issue. Whatever is, I will deny. haha It's not my responsibility to broadcast my personal life to the world of gossips. :)

The weather's so crappy, I swear! Sickness had been normal to me these days. For goodness sake! I wanna get well, feel better and be the best! (wow, new quote. hihi)

I'm nursing a starting colds right now, maybe a kick-off for an upcoming fever (again). GULP. I'm getting sick every week, with 38 and above temperature. Oh no. I can't. I have BIO. :'(

anyways, this is a random post, before really sleeping, since I'm on bed now.

I love you all.

xo,

Jills

no class day - QC Day

2010-08-19T21:17:00.001+08:00

Lemme start off by telling about wednesday. Y'all know probably that it's a BIO day.. Thank God that it's my first time ever to get like 18.5/20 in a lab quiz. Thank you Lord! :) Thanks to Maam Gizzelle, she was kind of generous that day that she gave a LOT of bonus points. :) OMG lang, that I was so so sleepy during the lecture time. Err. :r It was a crazy and fun BIO lab class since after the quiz, we didn't do anything. As usual. I just made new friends and yes, I met Kate from AC, who is the sister of my batchmate. Oh man, I miss Assumption girls! :) It was fun though I am freakin scared of the hardened creatures in the lab that I got surprised when I touched it accidentaly and my other classmate got even surprised and frightened for me. hahaha It was fun, at least I can now de-stress myself from the subject and I want also to begin to love it. :) At 1pm, PSYCH145 and there, my body started to feel bad. I felt sick. I went home in Laguna at 6pm, I have fever. :(

I took my temperature - 38.3 C and I can't even change my clothes and get up. I felt so bad. I watched TV the whole night, I fell asleep at 11pm.

I woke up at 10am, woah, what a sleep! I had sore throat this morning and some hurting blisters in my mouth and one on my tongue. I still felt feverish but better somehow, compared last night. I ate my breakfast and then after 30 mins, I did my hoops that's why my abdomen's hurting right now, which is okay, a good indication that I worked out well even though it was just about an hour only. I took a bath after and turned on the TV.

2pm. I was supposed to be in Araneta watching live but blame my fever, I was at home the whole day, nursing my high-low fever. I can't be feverish til tomorrow, I have BIO. :( I can actually get a patron seat for the game of my school vs. DLSU but again, as always, I have to make a choice and prioritize my health not because for my sake but for the sake of my acads, especially BIO. You know how much I am struggling with the course even though I am a Bachelor Of Arts in Psychology major. As what I was told, BIO 11 is in my program, I have no choice but to take it and do well. Help me, God. :(

UP vs. DLSU: It was UP's 9th game, 2nd game in the 2nd round of eliminations and I was hoping that today will be the 1st win of the maroons. This is my 1st time actually to pay that much attention to the team since I entered the university. I just know, I have to support them as my own. We all belong to the same university - STATE U. My personal connections? As what I said, I'll be discreet about it. It was a pretty good start, I was just surprised to see the "MISSING MIKE" teaser on TV, describing how his performance in the season was. It was actually declining, whatever that is, I'll stand by you, Mike and the rest of the team. GO UP! :) It was awful that Alvin was suspended for that game because of what happened last Saturday and during the 3rd quarter, Mark got a knee injurt and was declared to be absent from that game on and for the rest of the UAAP season. It was sad, 2 down for the maroons but I adore what Coach Dindo, from the archers did and also, the whole DLSU green archers. Such a great sport and friends. Also, of course, the whole fighting maroon's team. These guys are really worth the attention not only because they are heroes on the courts but they are much more - models that are setting as good examples, being great men on the league, being such good sports and true friends who are concerned of their team mate. I hope Mark will be okay soon. After a while, unexpectedly, lightning struck twice, Woody got a sprain, but not as bad as what happened to Mark, but definitely he was out of that game. Too bad, a struggle for the team once again. Disappointingly, the archers won with 84, maroons with 63. No more final four for my school but again, it's just a game. UP will be better next season, I believe.

After the game, I turned the TV off and read my Psych 150 materials. I wasn;t even able to finish the 1st one, I still have 4 days to do it anyway.

illusory beliefs are so frustrating.

Dreams may sometimes also be.

Again, alienation. :(

I'm actually feeling down these past few days and I decided not to tell anybody about this. I am trying my best to conceal it inside me. I don't want anybody to be affected.

This life is awful. :( I want this to end. :(

xo,

Jilley

Wow Drained

2010-08-17T22:03:00.001+08:00

It's supposedly an easy day for me but I feel so tired. Maybe because that I came all the way from Laguna, waking up a bit late, like 5am to go to school, with 8:30am as my first class. I was late for like about 15 mins. but it's okay, to welcome me in school is an effin exam result, which for me is low though it's relatively high. :r I didn't eat my lunch, because I'm too lazy to.

ANYWAYS, from now on, I'll better shut my mouth up about whats and whos I'm on. I must protect the name he has, and also mine. Though what were up to is not bad, or morally incorrect but sometimes, we have to adjust in the judging public, to minimize the tendencies of future gossips which may ruin what we are both trying to establish. To clear things off, I am single. It is not my responsibility to broadcast here and tell everyone my private life. We are just playing things safely. Mean time, support the UP Fighting Maroons Basketball team as they battle against LSU Green Archers on Thursday, 2pm at the Araneta Collesium. :D
This day we had the oral presentation for the PSYCH 115 experiments and I don't think I should be saying this here. WHY? You'll all know soon. :) It was a pretty good and fun one BUT I was starving in the middle of the reports since I didn't eat anything the whole day excepet for the breakfast, alphabet nuggets: M-J-S. haha <3
It was tiring, when I sat down and rested. I feel asleep also. :s And now, I just finihed doing my BIO 11 plates, making me feel more stressed. Help me through prayers for Bio, I cannot fail. :( I need to pass, I must pass. I dunno why really, BIO makes me feel sick and anxious. I think nobody will be surprised if all of a sudden you'll hear that I'm dead -- only because of BIO. :( Help me, God.
It's a dissection day tomorrow and I don't feel like excited or something. I hate frogs. eww. I remembered back in high school that I didn't even attempted to touch it with my hands, though I have gloves.
BTW, to minimize confusion, I am already 19, can you please accept the fact that time will come, I'll be attracted to anybody. Dont you all worry, as what I've been saying for quite a lot, I know my priorities well and I will stick to them. I am not in love, as some may be thinking. I just opened my possibilities for further explorations which I think may cause me good and not really making myself vulnerable to any bad vibes. Whatever that is, if you guys are still confused, better ask me. I'll be telling the whole thing. :)

ACADS ACADS ACADS. Help me, God.

Thank you all for the prayers. :)

xo,
Jills

Stress from Nothing

2010-08-16T17:02:00.000+08:00

My head aches big time. I've been a great great lazy kid the whole weekend and actually accomplished nothing. I just came back from Mocha Blends, I heart the iced choco bigtime :) I did my bio plates, but haven't transferred my answers on paper yet. I had a gruelsome investigation, remember the good shot man? yes, my supposedly true friend, there, he's having the time of his life fooling around. I pity the girl. :( Anyways, I have no say on such things simply because I am not involved at all! :)

I feel so lazy I swear but thinking about this week's 3-day school, yeah great. BUT thinking about BIO11 makes me more stressed. :( Help me, God. :(

Okay, I'm dizzy and I do not know why. I want a healthy lifestyle but it's just so hard to stick on that.

BTW, I have a new hair. I dunno if I like it or not! :s

I want a lot of things. urgh, frustrating.

xo,

Jills

I see stars.

2010-08-14T17:08:00.002+08:00

Maybe you all know or saw my tattoos - stars with three different colors, red, blue and green, that are not of the same size. Aside from aesthetics, I chose the design because for me, they have meaning.

Things have always been on three's-- which may also be meanings of my stellar tattoos.

Just do it.
It's on me.
June Leynette Lapaan.
Me and my two brothers.
My mom, dad and me
I love you
Sigma Delta Phi
U P Diliman
U P Law
B A Psych
God is love
I'm God's child.
the three kings
Father, Son, Holy Spirit
..and a lot more.
maybe, M-J-S will soon be a meaning. <3

Stars because they are the most beautiful thing when I look up in the sky at night.
Shooting stars are love.
The little twin stars is love, adding me up on the group.
I can wish anything on stars.
They represent hope.

They are my communication lines when I look above in the heavens, symbolizing that my Dad, also my Lolo Danding and God sees me from heaven, telling me I am not alone when the sun goes down and when the world turns dark. They twinkle in me that makes me smile.
Stars make me feel alive.
I love stars.

xoxo,
Jills

Saturday after Hell Week

2010-08-14T16:54:00.000+08:00

Im making this an online diary noooow. haha Im happy this remains private, somehow. :)
Okay, I was asleep the whole day, like I went home at 7am and slept til like 1:30 pm, right in time to do my hoops and watch the hoops action in the UAAP. Maybe you prolly know who's in my heart right now. haha :) Mom knows it so I do not care whatever your reactions will be.
whew. I just took off my feet from the foot soak, love it, so soft :)
Anyways, I had a fun night last night, pool party with my beloved girls, again, though as much as I wanted the absence of alcohol, they just can't resist it. Though I'm quite a strong drinker, there's already habituation. I do not drink to get drunk ever. These days, I do not like alcohol. I want to go clubbing. :( I'm reserving the big time fun for October, I just hope I'll pass bio11. :l It's awful that I was so confident with my lab exam but it didn't turn out well. :( God, help me please.

BTW, my tattoo's okay but the red star on my left kinda color-slipped. :s I should have it repaired and prolly get another one when nong nong cafs get back next year.

I feel stressed out again. Simply thinking about BIO makes me so sad, feeling so stupid and irresponsible where in fact, I am doubling, tripling my effort in this subject. :(

Make me happy, please.

xo,
Jills

Oooooh day

2010-08-08T02:42:00.000+08:00

It's Sunday, oh, few hours left before I took BIO 11 2nd exam. Lord, help me please. :s I know it's already late but I just wannaupdate this bloglove.. I just got home from Guilly's island with Jasson (BUKO), BFF Wen, Momma Jem and Ate Kim. We had a few drinks and yeah, believe it or not, I reviewed there! -- with the loud music, foul smell of cigars and all! I just have to re-review again. :l It was a great day, I can tell though not that good. The highlight would be my beloved girls -- Jem, Wen and Ate Kim (I MISS YOU ANYA AND YZZ) came to my house just to surprise me and oh, went to Jem's crib for some shot shots of my beloved The Bar strawberry.. I was reviewing all the time and yes, I'll be a liar if I'll say I didn't drink. :) haha crazy kids, took a lot of pictures and then dinner in the epic Blue Corner. WE MISSED HIGH SCHOOL! :) and there, Guilly's Island beer belly. err. It's quite a good thing to know that we're not that alcoholics, we just don't get drunk at all! :D We also saw Robidoo there. Reunion? No. haha :D I had fun playing with Wen's fresh DSLR! :)

Great great though I wasn't able to drive the volvo.. anyway, it's matic. :)

Oppsie, I gotta review maybe til 3:30pm. GOOD LUCK BIO 11 examinees! and oh, UPCAT examinees too! :)

--at least I remain responsible :)
xoxo,
Jilley

I know my priorities well

2010-08-04T22:55:00.000+08:00

I am not a quitter. I just know what should I do first, prioritize in this ever-changing life. It remained constantly- family and acads topping my list of priorities - still, all for God's greater glory. Some things are really not just for me this time. As they say, there is a time for everything.

Thanks for all the support.

I am so stressed and very tired. Sometimes I feel like giving up but I thank God so much for giving me enough strength to go on. Life is getting tougher each time but I am not afraid because I walk with God.

Thank you for all the prayers.

Jilley

Catching up

2010-07-27T17:10:00.000+08:00

I know I was absent in this blogworld for quite a while, a long time, actually. I jsut wanted to say hello to all who appreciate me forever. Finally this laptop is fixed, so again, HELLO BLOGWORLD! :)

For almost 4 months of not blogging, there are a lot of things happened. A lot of things changed. Aside from my weight (yes, as of now, I'm losing weight and apperently, eating a lot so that's one thing I have to take control of) there are a lot of changes that happened in my life since I have also been through a lot. I stopped blogging before the start of my summer class and now it's almost the mid-semester of this 1st sem. Wow. Time just flies so fast and yes, I'm now 19. err. Age is just a number, as they say. I may not write specific happenings but I promise to take things slow, will update little by little for all of you to catch up. :)

I took the summer class, 6 units plus PE. It was an extreme summer! I'm so proud I got a 1.0 in my STS and yeah, 3.0 for trigo. Oh well, it's still high given that we are only like half or less, who passed in that hardy class under a terror prof. :s I had so much fun in my PE class, I grew my abs and yes, thats when I started losing weight and hopefully, will be able to maintain it til forever!

In my personal life, uh, Franz went back to my life. We were kinda like talking and talked til the first few weeks of July and yes, we finally got the chance to end the things that are supposed to end. We both did what is right no matter what. So, no more issues and all. I can't believe it has already been almost 8 years since then, we were too young and just plain kids. We both learned, the end may not be a happy one before but maybe we were meant to see each other again to clear things up, that may be a sad one but I'm glad we're happy again as acquaintances and elementary classmates, also, as UP fellows. When things are not meant to be, then those things will never ever be meant to be no matter what. All I want now is that Franz should control his INSECURE girlfriend to stop saying crap about me. She's plain pathetic and insecure. Too bad for her, she doesn't know Jilley Lapaan. HAHA :D She's kinda like giving me a sort of entertainment. I just can't help but to laugh my ass off her - the way she looks, the way she tries hard to be me, the way she talks and the way she gets mad at me - so insecure! Hahaha I remember hearing her saying for many times "Ako ang Jilley Lapaan ng batch na to" and "That Jilley is a THREAT!" haha and yes, how will I forget, every year she attempts to enter UP. hahah :) Okay, just like what everyone's saying - "You're already superior, so why bother?" OO nga naman. Yes, you kid, I won't mind if you're gonna repeat the things you are saying for the next 7 effin years. MAGLAWAY KA SA INGGIT! :D Like I said, I do not hold grudges; I get even. Better know your enemy, most especially the Jilley Lapaan you are bumping on to. You might regret in the end, kid. xp

Enough of my bitchy side, I'm friends and close again with the people of my Chem life -- haha Sergio and Mia, and yes, Aaron from the US of A. :) I'm also part of my much-awaited UP PREPARATORY LAW HONORS SOCIETY! I'm one of the officers. Thanks Ralph soooo much! It's so exciting to be there.. Finally my dreams are coming true. HELLO UP LAW ON 2012! :D I'm also being invited by UP Sigma Delta Phi Sorority and UP Delta Lambda Sigma Sorority. :) I'm also applying for UP Bukluran Sa Sikolohiyang Pilipino and UP Debate Society. BUSY MEEEEE! But yeah, trying my best to balance things and doing my best. :) See you all tomorrow for the UP SDP Sorority Tea Party! :)

In my family life, things are so well. Josh front tooth just got off, haha. Buds' so much maturing (that he keeps on asking about getting married and all), Mom and I am so okaaaay! That she allowed me to get a tattoo this saturday! YEY :) and yes, she's kinda like not going home every friday which pissed me sooo much everytime but yes, right timing will come. I MISS DAD SO MUCH that still, every waking moment seems to be much harder everyday. It just gets more hurtful everyday, though I've been telling myself to be strong. I MISS YOU DAD! Please always stay with me..

I miss clubbing but it's okay.. October will soon come - a time to celebrate. I need first to work on my acads. MOst especially BIO.. I'm so much having a hard time.. Help me, God.please. :( I just failed my lab exam and tomorrow, the lecture exams will be returned. I wanna pass. :(

Bio makes me sad, but I'm trying so hard because I have a dream to achieve and a life to go on with..

All I need is prayers from all of you. Prayers have always been my weapon and I'm so proud that with God, all of you and our prayers, I am still standing strong and fighting. Thank you God, Thank you all! :)

This is already long, I promise to post regularly.

Thanks to all of you.
Love you all :)

xoxo,
Jilley

I was thinking of you

2010-04-03T23:53:00.000+08:00

This sugar-coated phrase I heard few hours ago is something that doesn't please me at all! I just wanted to say, can you please stop saying the most flowery words if your actions do not show it? This time I can't be fooled anymore, I learned so much through heartbreaks, tears, disappoinments and hurt in the past. Please stop.

This time, I just wanna be alone.

Buona pasqua amici.

Jilley

psyche-d

2010-03-30T03:05:00.000+08:00

I'm finally on vacation and I'm looking forward for a peaceful yet happy one. Take the bitch away from me PLEASE. And yess, celebrating my 1st vacation night -- playing plants vs. zombies in this wee hour of dawn.. Goodluck to my eyebags and acne :D I had a great sem though it had been challenging. In UP, 20 unit sem already means overload. I'm proud I survived!
Josh is sleeping here with me inside my room, he has fever but I think he's feeling well now.

I might just write my sem review tomorrow. I shuld practice sleeping early due to my summer class :D
I had a usual encounter last night. I REALLY HATE THAT DAMN PERSON. May God teach you the lesson you need, bullshit ka.

Jilley

Usual Misery

2010-03-19T20:31:00.000+08:00

For everybody's sake: I think I'm getting used and immuned with misery though it's fucken awful. Alienation again but damn right nothing has changed. Bullshit.
I'm in my usual tendencies living like hell with the demon in my life. I wish Dad's here, I need some intellectual polity not a fucken FEELER and IDIOT governance. My time will come, leche ka.
I don't want you to die, I wanna escape out of here and just be with my Dad, anyway, whatever dream I had before wouldn't suffice anymore with this kind of setting. I can actually live without you.. I just pity you for that stupid brain you have. I pity your poor neurons, little shit.

I'm so tired. I might cry again anytime, I thank God for my pillows, they give me comfort..
I'm such a loser, I know.. that I can't even speak out my heart.. anyways, I don't wanna stoop down to her level, it's too low. I might lose my integrity and self-worth which are both things that I can't afford to lose just with her. She doesn't even have those!

I'm waiting for the judgment day. Let morality judge.

Yeah, before I forget, I already started writing my eulogy... just in case, just making sure.

Hell week

2010-03-16T21:37:00.000+08:00

Hell week

But trying to make things right. I mean, trying to overcome anxiety and laziness damn it.
wed - socsci 3 exam
- psych 140 quiz
thurs - panpil 19 paper deadline
- panpil 19 quiz
- edsp110 microthesis deadline
friday - psych 140 behavior mod project deadline
- psych 140 report
- soc sci 3 sle presentation

I'm such a busy person. woooo!
I feel so stressed and until now I'm not yet even finish reviewing for tomorrow's exam. :(

Anyways, I'm so not okay these past few days. I'm so sad that it's Kuya John's 3rd year death anniv.. I miss him :( and yes, same old fucken reasons crying my heart out on solitary moments. I'm trying my best to be concrete though I know I'm totally broken. You all win, you're now seeing me in my concealed but weakest state. I'm so alienated that I just accept everything. Bullshit really.

Now I know that people just care or better yet, would want to see you IF AND ONLY IF they need you. I actually never heard of somebody like her would be such a user. Now, suffer without me!
I'm seeing things more clearly now. Thanks for making me feel low and pulling me down, I now know who I really am for you. I wish Dad's here so you won't be such a fucken bee with my Dad's assets, TAKE NOTE, NOT YOURS!

I'm so pissed, as always. Once sama ng loob is there, it'll be so hard to take it away. I might as well go away. I'm waiting for the right time.

tomorrow

2010-03-10T20:29:00.000+08:00

I dunno why starting last night, I'm feeling such a great deal of anxiety - I'm so afraid of tomorrow. I feel like losing my optimism. I feel unsure about tomorrow and more than that, I feel like something bad is gonna happen tomorrow. I prayed hard last night, around 1am because I just can't sleep thank God, I just fell asleep unconsciously but woke up early to go to school. I had a good day, people telling me I lost weight which I think is otherwise. I'm frustrated to lose weight. I'm trying my best to skip rice but always ending up eating chocolate cookies instead.
I would like to thank my beloved trustworthy friends. You guys are so perky. HAHA I LOVE YOU ALL! I just can't help but smile everytime I remember what Fame told me, about Joshua when he saw 'good shot man' yesterday and told her, "Magagalit si Jilley". HAHA At least people love me, know me so much. :D
I sooo loooove Sir Ton, he asked me what the name of my HS lovely friends (barkada name) is: GOSSIPED GIRLS. He just sooo love it and said it's so witty! haha I MISS YOU DEAREST GIRLS...
I wore all-black get up today that they told me I look like un-summer. gets? haha I don't give off the summer vibe yet. My body isn't ready yet though it's freakingly hoooot!
I'm so disappointed with myself that I can't even add something on my Psych140 behavior modification project :( I wanna do it but my mind and body isn't ready. :( I just hope my thoughts would be organized soon. It's due on the 19th!!! :l arrrgh
Mom called me up again, telling me she has a surprise again but this time, spilling it right away - a new hello kitty eye mask. I have two new masks soI might just preserve it for a while and just like my tradition, I'll only use my new things and stuffs if and only if I feel good. So I might not use it for a long time. I don't think I'm a pessimist; I just know how to look at reality.
I also had a good talk with Maam Chei during my breaktime, I love her. :D
It's good that I'm not cramming anymore since everything is being given at the same time. All I need is balance.

I'm sounding like a bullshit here. Uh, I already enlisted for summer classes, I have no choice but to take a PE class I do not like that much. I need to lose weight! So, futsal, anyone? ARGH. I need more options! I want YOGA! But it's not being offered. :l Help me, join me in my prayers.

Jilley

Funny Discoveries

2010-03-09T20:22:00.000+08:00

Okay, it was my first time ever to meet Kuya Nico, a graduating cum laude of public ad from NCPAG. he's so nice and so girly :))

Okay, we were actually talking how amazed we are knowing that UP is really a small world and as we go on exchanging thoughts and funny stories, we then arrived to this guy (let's call him the 'good shot man') when I found THE LASTEST DISH HE IS ON RIGHT NOW! haha FUNNY. So funny that I remembered talking to this guy about guy players and then he said "I will NEVER EVER be a player, I WILL NEVER EVER TWO-TIME my special someone" OKAY good shot nga but what I just discovered is totally making me think twice if I'll call him a liar :D He's playing with two girls right now, one from UPD and the other is not. nice strategy pare. :) He's two-timing, that bastard whom I considered a friend pa naman last sem :) Now I know the reason behind his "ayokong magkaron ng facebook account, liliit mundo ko dun eh". I think he thought that I'm socially incapable of meeting the people from his other side, that's where he got it so wrong. We are closer and you are at the center, good shot man :) I'm an advocate of faithfulness, so don't you ever blame me if I let you down. I just said what I know. GOOD LUCK TO YOU BASTARD :D Hiding in facebook, nice one. But still, I thank you for the trust, making me your only friend from school in your FB account but you just broke my trust. I just wonder why you were able to tell me stories about your past that you made yourself too good to be true that I even commented, "Aww. you're so great." BULLSHIT. I do not mean that thing anymore, ever! John Tucker MUST DIE, so are you.
Good luck on your girls. I cannot promise that I won't help them pulling you down.
Nice game

Jill

Sexuality

2010-03-09T17:56:00.000+08:00

This one is my refelection paper on socsci 3 about sexuality (duh). Something very personal again, but I think has a good point.

Reflection on my own Sexuality
I am born biologically as a female and lived my entire life as a female with a feminine body wholly. When I was born, I was told that when they found out on the ultrasound results that I’m going to be born as a girl, members of my family started buying things that are mostly, pink, which the normal color for baby girls’ things is. As I grow up, I had clothes and toys that are especially for girls like dresses, dolls, pink stuffs and many more others. I was enrolled every summer on very “girly” classes like ballet classes, speech and drama, voice lessons, acting and modelling workshops. These things that I had, always reminded me that I am a girl, my gender label and since my physiological aspects never change, they just develop, I am a female. When I entered my teenage years, I began asking why “...because you are a girl” is already a sufficient explanation for every time I am being scolded because I play like a child, vigorously, which just mean over enjoying for me because I was used playing alone and that being with playmates is something that is very uncommon for me. I started comparing my limitations as a girl with my brother and boy cousins. I conferred with my girl friends and girl cousins of the same age group regarding the limitations being set, which I sometimes hate. I’m not only limited in my acts but also unconsciously, as I grow up, I am the one limiting myself as reflected in my choices. When I first had my period, I cried. It is something that is totally new for me. From that day on, I can feel that together with the biological changes I’m going through are the changes on how people treat me, more matured with more expectations to a teenage girl. It was a struggle for me saying goodbye to my playful childhood but I was left without a choice – I had to keep up with the society’s standards and try to change myself and actions for the sake of getting a good sight from the judging public. All these years, being optimistic enough, I know I did well and tried to enjoy myself with this kind of set-up. But again, as I go on in my teenage years, in my late teens, most especially when my breasts started to grow bigger, my choice of clothes to wear is very limited on the places I’m going. I have to adjust myself for others not to find it distracting. Another thing, I began having serious crushes and began really attracted to the opposite sex. As crazy as this seemed to be, I began questioning why is it that when girls make the first move, they are being labelled as sluts and easy? And more importantly, why is that boys are more free to express their feelings? Also, as shallow as it may be, since we are in a tropical country I began getting jealous with boys who can take off their tops while girls cannot, and to add up with the body heat, girls have to wear bra. Again, I’m going back to the judging public in which they have already set the standards and that going against them will be considered deviant. Obviously, I can’t do anything. It’s the public and the culture I’m confronted with so better if I’ll just follow. Alienation, it is. But then again, I am left without a choice since I value my self-worth and the way the society sees me.
With all these that happened, I know I wasn’t alone all the way. I had friends coming from the different sexual orientation: boys, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites and girls like me. We’re all facing the same judging public and whatever sexual orientation, there will always be a standard set for all of us to follow. I’m just not sure if this is what they call democracy.
Being a girl, I just realized that I’m one of the oppressed and thus shouldn’t be alienated with this society’s standards. I cannot just follow most especially if my wants, which I think are not to mean any harm, then I should stand up for it. I believe that change should start with an individual. Consider this, maybe before only boys are presumed to be athletic. When I was in high school, I entered the badminton varsity team and the chess team, in which I trained hard for also, I played aggressive games like football. My goal there is not only changing the perception of the society towards girls but more so, to enhance my well-being and expand my horizons as a person that’s why I really adore girls and women who are known to have accomplished such things that are presumably for boys and men, like Gabby dela Merced, who is a great race car driver and Jeanette Lee, an international billiard player and I’m sure there are a lot more to look up to out there. Maybe the change I’ve been longing for has a long way to go but if I’ll start doing it today then the wait will surely be shorter.
It is fun being a girl and a female, I enjoyed it and that my choice is this life I am living – being a girl and a female, continue resisting oppression by doing things that I know would make me happy, satisfied and enjoy life. We cannot erase the fact that there will always be the judging public that is looking at us but we can change the way on how they look at us. I just hope I won’t be a victim by the time I’ll be entering my biggest dream and that is, to enter law school and be a lawyer.

-Jilley

PLAGIARISM IS A SERIOUS OFFENSE.

For you, TAGASALO

2010-03-09T17:54:00.000+08:00

This is my psych108 assignment, a letter for my family's tagasalo...

Dear SELF,
Kamusta ka na? Alam kong napakalungkot mo these days pero tina-try mo pa rin na maging okay. Yan ka na naman, strong-strongan, sabi nga ng psychologist friend mo. Matagal tagal na rin ka na palang tagasalo sa family mo. Kahit noong bata ka, ikaw ang palaging inaasahang umintindi sa mga bagay bagay at bilang bata, tumayo mag-isa sa sariling mga paa. Noong bata ka, madalas mag-away ang mommy at daddy mo, madalas pang maghinga ng sama ng loo bang mommy mo sayo, na nauwi pa sa 1 ½ na taong hiwalayan dahil na rin sa pakikialam ng mga partido nila. Wala kang nagawa noon kundi magtanong at umasa na sana mabuo ulit kayo. Bilang tagasalo, nagpakatatag ka at kumapit kay God, ayun nga, nabuo ulit kayo. Naging mahirap para sayo na pilitin ang sarili na mag-mature agad dahil sa pagiging special ng kapatid mo na sunod sayo. At nang magkaroon ka ng isa pang kapatid, nung una ayaw mo pero bilang “ate” ng buong pamilya, di nagtagal, tinanggap mo na rin at naging masaya ka naman sa pagkakaroon ng isa pang kapatid na lalaki. Habang lumalaki ka, laging lalong mas mahirap nga ang naging kalagayan mo, dahil bilang panganay, lahat ng expectations ng mga tao sa paligid mo lalo na ng mommy and daddy mo, kailangan mong mag live up. Buong high school pressure ang naramdaman mo dahil sa mga expectations nila pero hanga ako sayo kasi kahit papano, nagawa mo pa rin ang mga bagay na gusto mong gawin at ang mga bagay na pinapagawa nila sayo, pinilit mong gustuhin. Bilang tagasalo, alam kong mabigat ang mga responsibilities na pinanghahawakan mo pero pinilit mong kayanin kahit madalas kang makaaway ng mommy at daddy mo, dahil alam mo naman din sa sarili mo na ikaw ang talagang inaasahan nila na magbigay ng honor sa kanila kahit papano dahil nga special ang kapatid mo at napakabata pa rin naman ng youngest nyo. Lalong naging mas mahirap para sayo ang nangyari 2 years ago, ang pinakamalungkot na nangyari sa buhay mo at sa buhay ng buong pamilya mo. Lahat ay nagulat sa trahedyang nangyari sa daddy mo. Alam ko mula noon, ikaw ang inaasahan ng lahat ng tao na pumalit sa posisyon ng daddy mo sa pamilya mo. Kahit hirap na hirap ka, kinailangan mong kayanin na mag- go on pa sa buhay mo kasi nakita mo ang mommy mo at mga kapatid mo na sobra ring naapektuhan sa nangyari. Pumasok ka ng college nang malungkot, halos di mo na nga makilala sarili mo sa sobrang pagbabago eh. Masyado mong inisip ang kapakanan ng family mo at ang magiging future nyo, alam ko di ka masaya pero pinili mong gawin ang mga bagay na yon kasi nga tagasalo ka, ikaw ang inaasahan di lamang ng family mo pero lalo na pati mga tao sa paligid mo. Halos nakalimutan mo na sarili mong kaligayahan, nagawa mo naman nang maayos ang responsibilidad mo bilang estudyante at umaasa ka na sana kahit papano, naging proud sila sayo. Hanggang ngayon, alam na alam ko na ang bigat bigat ng dinadala mo, na pakiramdam mo eh kahit anong gawin mo, di mo magawang maging masaya. Buti na lang may mga tao sa paligid mo na handing tumulong sa lahat ng panahon, na kahit papano nararamdaman mo na mahal ka nila.
Ngayon, alam kong hindi ka “genuinely happy” gaya ng sabi mo pero wag kang mag-alala, lilipas din yan. Eh ano naman kung di mo maramdaman ang tunay na pagmamahal lalo na ng mommy mo? Ang mahalaga eh, ginagawa mo kung ano sa tingin mo ang tama at magpasalamat ka na lang din na umaasa sila sayo, at least masasabi mo na may silbi ka sa kanila kahit papano, diba? Kaya nga magsipag ka, mag-aral ka nang mabuti para pag nakatapos ka, di mo na kailangan umasa financially, makakaya mo na ang sarili mo. At tandaan mo, mahal na mahal ka ng daddy mo. Di ba nga napanaginipan mo pa sya na sinabi nyang sorry daw kasi kailangan mong mag-mature agad at kailangan mong gawin ang mga bagay na hindi mo pa dapat ginagawa. Sorry din daw kung kailangan mong maging malungkot nang sobra, kasi kahit naman daw sya di nya ginusto yung mga nangyari. Tingnan mo, kahit nasa heaven sya concern pa rin sya sayo, alam mo naman na weakness nya ang makita kang umiiyak eh. Tingnan mo nga, ang galing mo nga eh, kasi sa lahat nalang ng ginagawa mo gusto mo you’ll make your parents proud at syempre, to inspire your younger bros na rin. Magaling ka rin na referee lalo na kapag nag-aaway ang mga kapatid mo at pag ang kaaway naman nila eh yung mommy mo. Nakaka-amaze din ung pagiging parent mo sa mga kapatid mo, lalo na sa bunso nyo. Sana magpatuloy ka sa pamumuhay mo, wag ka mag-give up ha? Magiging masaya ka rin, maghintay ka lang. Sana matigil na yung sobrang pag-iyak mo, ang sakit sa ulo nun eh, pati na rin sa mata. Itigil mo na rin sana yung sobrang pag-ako sa lahat ng bagay, kahit di nila nakikita yun, alam mo sa sarili mo na ganun ang nagyayari. Sana marealize mo na bata ka pa rin, try mo pa rin mag-enjoy kahit papano. Konting tiis na lang, kinaya mo na nga noon eh, so kaya mo pa rin naman ngayon. Don’t you worry, if all else fails, nandito lang ako, hindi ako mawawala.

Love lots,
YOURSELF

I was crying as I write this one. It's just so sad.

I miss you Dad

2010-03-08T00:26:00.000+08:00

I watched a video this afternoon, Dad teaching me how to swim. Credits to him, I know how to execute some styles. I miss his voice saying "Ate, come here". I just hope I still can hear it now.. that he'll still tell it to me NOW. As in I should come to him... I missed texting him "Daddy, pick me up in school now. No more tao here." I wish I can still tell those things to him. I wish that when I did, he'll really pick me up or if not, I wish I can drive to go to where he is.. It's a good place, I bet. I want to experience the peace and save myself from a total breakdown which may happen as long as I'm in my situation these days. Daddybear, pasundo naman. It's hard that I can't hug myself and I'm so tired if faking smiles. I'm so tired of storing my hatred, angst and anger inside me. MAybe it would be better if I will just explode. I want peace. God, help me please. I dunno why I have to suffer like this. I'm trying to make things better but as much as I do, I'm just being more hurt. Reality sucks.

Daddy, ayoko na. Pick me up now, no more tao here.

A call

2010-03-03T19:59:00.000+08:00

"I just wanted to know if you're okay..."
Sounds great, right? It is something I seldom hear, which I heard few moments ago over the phone. No matter how sweet the message is, I can't help but cry.
Maybe I'm okay physically but it has been 4 months... 4 months of bitterness and sadness - due to "mistrust". I feel jealous with other people who have what I want and I just can't do away with thinking - "If Dad's here, it wouldn't be this way. I wouldn't cry this hard. I wouldn't be this insecure." Dad promised me things that I'm so much longing for to have right now. Its just really hard for me to accept this reality. Sa totoo lang, ayoko na. Kasi ang sakit sakit na. I don't wanna cry in front of my friends, they make me feel good. but at the end of the day, I end up being alone, and this time, crying again for the same reason. I know I have to grow up but also, I still want to be the baby, to feel secure. What's happening is otherwise. I have to stand on my own and just get my Dad's promises on my own. I feel so stupid that until now I'm still hoping for those promises, maybe not from my Dad but I just hope, from Mom. That makes things more hopeless. I need help. Not all the time I can stand up and be strong. Tao lang din ako, I'm trying to be more mature pero kailangan ko pa rin ng guidance and most especially, understanding.
My Dad's weakness is seeing me cry. pero daddy, if you'll gonna see me now, I know you won't be happy with this excessive crying. I'm so sorry, I can't help myself. You know me when it comes to promises, I would always want them. Until now, I question what had happened. I still don't know the reason behind such things. Dad, it had almost been two years. I want you back. I feel like I lost a part of me, I felt so incomplete. I'm so insecure with people who are complete.
I'm thankful to God that despite all the hardships in my life aspects, my academic aspect is blooming, everything is doing great and I'm expecting to get back to my cum laude standing. Again, I want to make my Dad proud - the only thing I hold on to since every other things have already turned their backs from me.
It's Dad's 43rd birthday tomorrow and I feel sad for Josh.. he said "I wanna go to heaven to see Daddy" Inside of me, I wanted the same thing. Until now, everytime I wake up, there is a perceptive moment that I go back to the times when I wake up and my Dad is just outside of my door. After a while, reality comes back in that I have to face. That's how hurtful my every waking moment is. I do not show anybody my real feelings just because I feel incomplete.
I need my Dad back. I want his promises. I miss the compliments he give to me. I miss his smiles. I miss it when he says "Dalaga na, umiiyak pa rin." I miss the corny jokes. I miss the feeling of having a Dad to back me up in everything. I miss the provider who gives everything. I miss the man who wakes up early and drive me to school. I miss the man who tolerates my bad vibes. I miss the man who teaches me the right things. I miss my dad who hates seeing me cry.

Again, I wouldn't be this way if Dad's here.
Things wouldn't be like this if Dad's here.

Things could've been better if Dad's here.
I could've been well if Dad's here.

Family Night

2010-02-28T00:25:00.001+08:00

I had a great family night.. so sad that it's Chitot's last night here in RP.
First when I woke up, when mom saw me going down the stairs from the room, she told me she like my pantulog - yellow top and orange short shorts and then she carried me, just tried if she can STILL carry me. Anyways, after a long long time, I finally got to see my beloved inaanak, Chloe. :) We just played the whole time :D We all had lunch in Shakeys, got a facial again in dermskin (ouuuuchy) and then dessert in Shakeys again.. Mom and I went to the salon where she got her haircut and our nails done. I have long nails now, triumph in my behavior mod... :))
At 6:30pm, PALAMERA'S dinner with the whole family. SO GREAT though my voice isn't good. I have a throat infection again and this time, worse. Affecting my voice, so bad. It was a great night. I had my concert again, with the live band. HAHA Also, Chitot, Rhona and Kuya Jiran too. So show-bizzzz family. hahahahahahaha also, mom sang. :)
My throat hurts so bad now and my voice is so annoying! hahahah I sound like a gayguy. hahah

oooh well. Walk away by Paula Deanda.. whoa. The band in palmera's also sang "the" song.. and I can't help but freeze. It hurts. You all know that, right? Anyways, I had a concert so, CHILL. hahah I'm sooofeelin like a celebrity with the audience's love. <3

I dunno what's gonna happen few days from now. I WANT A NEW ME.

Jilley

Mula Noon, Hanggang Ngayon, KASAMA KA.

2010-02-18T17:29:00.000+08:00

VOTE STRAIGHT!
BUKLOD CSSP
USC - ALYANSA

You all know me when it comes to politics - I do not just campaign for them just because I know them, I SUPPORT THEM FOR I BELIEVE IN THEIR PRINCIPLES AND IN WHAT THEY CAN DO.
TARA, CSSP!
Transparent, Accountable, Responsible and Accessible Student Council for you!
They have proven enough for 18 years and continuing what was started as we all progress.
http://upalyansa.org for more of ALYANSA.

I had a great and busy day with the party, most especially with Buklod CSSP. We didn't have a PanPil 19 class and I would like to thank Deane for coming with me and the team in the room to room campaign though she's from CFA. It was great being with the USC candidates, Mabel, Oyie, MM, Ron, Paula, Dan, Mickey, Daisy, Adrian, Anna and of course, JC and the department representatives. I also had a great early morning talks with Simoune, running for USC Councilor, also from Alyansa. Though it was tiring, it was fun and fulfilling knowing that everyday there are people who will be added in the sure-voters of Alyansa. THANK YOU SO MUCH from the bottom of our hearts.
I only had EDSP110 and PSYCH110 as my classes today and it was oh so great when I asked JC, Chase and Tin to sing the Alyansa theme song in our PSYCH110 class during their RTR. HAHA :D great. After that, PCTs of Dan and Pia came altogether to do the wow walk - just to wow the people. HAHA I looooove the DAN headbands and hats. :)) It was tiring, but yeah, fun. <3

And now I gotta do my SocSci 3 paper.

See you all around.

VOTE STRAIGHT - ALYANSA and BUKLOD CSSP! :D

Jilley

Buklod day

2010-02-10T21:24:00.000+08:00

I had a busy day with Buklod - Alyansa since it's already campaign week. I had a fun experience though it's tiring.
I met new beautiful people whom I'm starting to be friends with and saw formaer classmates - Em, with the ever constant teasing laugh. HARHAR. Anyways, I had a great time with the party, MULA NOON, HANGGANG NGAYON, KASAMA KA. :)

Of course, I wouldn't be part of the party without my original commitment - DAN RAMOS (BS PSYCH '07) FOR CSSP COUNCILOR! Of course, VOTE STRAIGHT - ALYANSA / BUKLOD CSSP! :) You may all drop by the buklod booth for questions and clarifications at the AS Lobby. :)

Uhm, IT'S FEB FAIR!!! (UP FAIR, for others) and I don't have time. :( so sad. :( I'm so acad-ful still, blame it on PSYCH 140 and PSYCH110. :( with a microthesis being completed for EDSP 110. wow. :( But I might drop by for a while tomorrow for the YES!THURSDAY event featuring 20 bands like: 6cyclemind, Sponge Cola, Parokya ni Edgar, Kamikazee, Valley of Chrome, De Lara, Chicosci, Sugarfree and a whole lot more.
I haven't heard any feedback about the fair, seems like everbody in my circle is so busy with acads and yeah, the campaign. It's the Alpha Sigma's event today, the fight of the armory featuring Urbandub and a lot more and then on Friday, RAKESTRA featuring some of your fave rock bands like Silent Sanctuary, Sugarfree, Valley of Chrome and a whole lot more with the Manila Symphony Orchestra. Ticket for all the said events is 90php for each event. YES!THURSDAY tickets are available at the AS walk, near the Bio Pav and for Rakestra tickets, you may contact me. :)

I just finished doing my PSYCH110 assignment, two-way analysis of variance. Just one problem but answering it requires a lot of space. I always get headaches with such. :l I really love MATH 11 more. I LOVE ALGEBRA FOREVER! :D

Okay. My back aches bigtime. I think I really need to see a doctor.

See you all around tomorrow.

VOTE STRAIGHT! BUKLOD CSSP and ALYANSA! :D
TARA, CSSP!

Jilley

Bothering Surprise

2010-02-09T19:18:00.000+08:00

I am so bothered with what my Mom has told me last Sunday night. I am thinking about this thing really hard for two days now, as my Mom also kept on repeating this thing the whole Monday morning. She told me that she has something to tell me that WILL REALLY MAKE ME SO HAPPY. And I wonder what is it -- I can't wait to be happy.

Thinking a bit more deeply, I came to the point asking myself, "Does my Mom know what makes me happy?" Maybe. I don't know. I am also bothered at the same time; again, as for my previous experiences (which in turn taught me a lot of life lessons), expectations hurt and simply, I don't wanna expect it to be really that bigtime, as for my Mom. I know exactly what will really make me happy, something that is attainable and I won't tell what is it - just playing things safe.

I'm kind of excited to know that, as for my Mom, next week, she's telling it to me but I also feel a sort of anxiety towards that announcement because of some possibilities that will make me even more sad. You know what I mean, disappointments. I'm trying not to think about it so much since I'm not so sure about it - I don't even have an idea what is it. I tried guessing but my guesses are just so safe, you know, impossible but lovely things. I'm still looking forward for that, somehow. I just hope it'll be the thing that I've been waiting for a long time, which had also been the reason for my excessive crying when this semester started. Don't ya worry, it's possible and tangible.

It's exciting and it's also bothering. Here we go again, come what may. That time will come, that I'll be knowing that announcement soon. Mean time, I have to condition myself not to expect because this heart is so fra-jill that I, myself is having a hard time to handle (with care).

I've been so busy with school stuffs these past weeks and even though my feb fair week wasn't interfered by my acads (except for the ever constant PSYCH 140), I am still having an acad-ful week - starting off during the weekend, where I finished reading ALL my PSYCH108 readings, PSYCH 140 readings and Pan Pil 19 readings. I'm so proud! :) But yeah, I'm having terrible headaches recently accompanying my astigmatism, which reminds me that I should go to Ate Pen's clinic already and get my glasses. :l My body's not well nowadays, I think I'm beginning to neglect my health. I'm having chestpains and colds, accompanied by sore throat which mess up my life so badly! Maybe I need a check-up to check on my poor health, or maybe I'm just getting older, which is way sadder. :(

My McAffee antivirus is effinly doing bad. I had to activate it for the nth time. BADTRIP. amp.

I'll see you all in campus tomorrow - VOTE STRAIGHT - ALYANSA! :)

Jill

Google ads

2010-02-06T17:45:00.003+08:00

They're just automatically posted here.

I DO NOT SUPPORT MANNY VILLAR'S CANDIDACY NOR I WOULD WANT HIM TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT.

I have my Yin Yang bet and it's not yet my time to spill them.

HAPPY FEB FAIR UP KIDS.

Jilley

:(

2010-02-03T20:52:00.000+08:00

Buti pa ibang tao naiintindihan ako. Buti pa ibang tao, napapasaya ako. Buti pa ibang tao kahit maliit lang nagagawa ko, na-aapreciate nila. Pero bakit life is too ironic? Yes, I lost my dad and that never made me happy, really happy. But seeing thingsnore clearly now, I am left alone. I have nobody to run to. I also lost a family pala. All the while I thought I still have one, even without my Dad kaya I really tried to be at my best and to be strong yun pala wala na talaga. For me, I tried to be good pero masama pa rin ako. Napakasama ko na pala. One thing I hate the most is pitying myself pero kasi, this time, sobra na eh. Naaawa na ko sa sarili ko. Wala na kong magulang.even my dad doesn't show up in my dreams anymore.I dont know why I'm still alive. I can't cut my wrist too hard. Bakit takot pa rin akong masaktan? Kahit ang sakit sakit na. I'm tired of concealing with fake smiles, guston kong magpakatotoo pero bakit hindi ko magawa? Ginagawa ko kung ano ang kaya ko kahit hirap na horap na ko. I tolerated the alienation kasi akala ko may sumusuporta sakin yun pala I am on my own.This is not independence, mag-isa lang pala talaga ako.

18 lang ako, bata pa. Sana maisip nyo hindi ko pa kaya sarili ko totally lalo na mga problema ko. Napakasakit mawalan ng ama, sana hanggang ngayon naiisip nyo na malungkot ako, na kailangan ko pa rin ng support kahit pinipilit kong kayanin lahat. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon hinohold back ko mga tears ko, ang sakit sakit na talaga eh. Too much na dumating sa point na ganito, I'm starting to hurt myself para naman matauhan ako and that every scar that will come out tonight will remind me to stop na umasa pa, na tigilan ko na panloloko ko sa sarili ko, na dapat ko nang tanggapin na Im not born to be happy.

SAna pala hindi ko nalang pinakita na strong ako, na kaya ko. Masyado kasi kayong nag-aassume eh. Kung alam nyo lang sana diba kung gano na kabigat nararamdaman ko pero hindi eh. I chose not to tell kasi iniisip ko, umaasa ako na makikita nyo rin someday. I passed the UPCAT, oo. one time big time naramdaman ko proud kayo pero ngayon, I'm staying in UP getting good grades, nawala na ung pagiging proud kasi nasanay kayo. PAag nag-fail naman ako, napakalaking kasalanan; sabihin irresponsible ako, kung ano ano iniintindi. Pag mali, nakikita nyo agad pero pag magnda, pinaghirapan, wala lang. Appreciation, understanding lang naman hinihingi ko eh, kahit konting understanding lang, okay na. Hindi naman ako humihingi ng total attention o kaya everyday praise, hindi eh. Hindi rin naman ako humihingi ng sobrang pagmamahal, kahit konti lang, ok na eh. Ang sakin lang sana ma-appreciate nyo ung mga ginagawa ko, na sa bawat ginagawa ko kayo iniisip ko at sa bawat dream ko, kasama kayon kasi alam ko kasama ko kayo pag-try ko na abutin mga yun. Hindi naman ako laruan na walang feelings eh, nasasaktan din ako. I pity myself so much, naiinggit ako sa ibang tao bakit sila minamahal, ako hindi. Bakit sila may daddy, ako wala. Bakit sila pag malungkot may natatakbuhan, ako wala.

Ayoko na talaga.
I wish to get out of this life now

Oo, I'm hurting myself. Eh ano naman sa inyo?